We often will meet people with suggestions about any relationships and they will keep telling you about red flags (in Risk Management we have red flags) of any relationship. These comments and suggestions keep us on the toes without letting us know and we close ourselves from some promising experiences. We always judge people and look for behaviors to know that the person is not right for us. I have seen multiple times that we force ourselves out from a relationship just because we think that we are not good enough for any relationship.
Knowing me you can say, its easier said than done but trust me basis my experience and learning, I can provide you a platform you think positively in a relationship (Even if I am not able to do that sometimes).
Ask yourself “Am I in a good relationship?” or “Is this relationship is good for me?”
Our relationships are not only influenced by our current actions but also by our past relationships and the life experiences that we bring forward into the current relationship. How we deal with confusions and misunderstandings defines the strength and wellbeing of our relationship and the level of happiness we are able to experience.
Much of the subconscious encoding that takes place throughout our life causes us to sabotage our happiness by preventing us from engaging effectively, especially when we become emotionally triggered. These unconscious “scripts” make you run in autopilot where your thoughts and words remain the same as your previous experience. Sometimes people call them as “baggage”. We should rewrite those scripts and must not allow then to contaminate the current relationship.
In my personal experience, I have been influenced with negative thoughts for a longest time where I was confused about my relationship earlier. Once that got the clarity then again some other issues pop up which are not allowing me to move and they want me to stand still. I am complying on those things and distancing myself from people so they could not get affected cause of me. This decision I have taken from my past experience and I do not know if that is right or wrong unless someone prove that to me.
In same way instead of looking for every little thing that might be wrong with the person you’re with, look for whether they are fulfilling some of the affirmative needs you have. You must focus on the positives then the negatives. How can you evaluate if your relationship is a good one, here are positive traits you should look for:
You feel like you can be yourself
This is the most important point to see for compatibility. You can be yourself means; you should not feel that you are constantly putting on a mask to impress your partner all the time. If you must put a lot of efforts to be that person who you are not, there is no way to build an honest relationship. Its natural to be little guarded in the early days of relationship but you should reach out to that phase where you can feel totally comfortable. You should not think twice before cracking your lame jokes or discussing the topics which make you uncomfortable. Around with your partner you should feel complete.
You can define boundaries
In childhood we learnt that honesty is the best policy. In your relationship that means what you need and what you want from that relationship. It’s a theme of any relationship that works. I know sometimes it will be hard and other person may get hurt, but doing that in the relationship is the only way to ensure sustainability.
If you genuinely feel comfortable telling your partner when you want to be alone or when you need your space with your other priority tasks, then trust me it is a great sign in your relationship and this also means your partner respect those communication from you.
You share good laugh
This does not mean you have to be a comedian, but it means having good sense of humor. Someone has told me once that without sense of humor life can run but with Sarcasm its not possible. I have handled that line with a joke.
It means when you are with each other you have your jokes and incidents where you both share a good laugh. I am sure all the time you cant be romantic or serious. Take my advice, laughing will strengthen your bond.
Emotional Empowerment not support
It’s a great sign of good relationship when partners are focused on what they want to create and how they want to feel. Most of the time its too easy to blame your partner when you are not feeling good about ourselves or sometime life seems to throw some tough challenges continually.
As they say and I totally aligned my self with the thought, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” That is the reason most of the time I keep things with me when I don’t know how other person gonna react or if they will get the intent behind my message. So by trying to override your emotions and referring to past situations, you may blow a current situation entirely out of context. If you do that frequently, it makes you feel disconnect. I have felt this multiple times.
Your past relationship scripts comes in picture where you start thinking what you do not want in your relationship. Many couples start competing against each other when they emotionally triggered instead of supporting to create best outcome. We can quickly become obsessed with being right but it is essential to stay present.
Serious Talks
If you are shying away from the stuff which are tough to talk about with your partner then you are not ready for the relationship sustainability or you are afraid of being judged. It should not be the case as when you need some serious or rocky stuff to talk you need someone who can make these conversations smooth sailing. I have been that person 5 times in my life when I played a third person who talks about tough reality of life with my couple friends. One day drink expenses you are sorted to get the services.
An honest relationship isn’t afraid to touch on subjects that make you uncomfortable. Try to be attentive and see how you both are able to engage with more serious questions together. Like what is our future in next 5 Years? (Joking, even I can not answer this, I am bad at planning, hence need someone who can do the favor as I am good at following instructions) Choose your questions wisely and even if it gets rocky, a strong relationship will work through it and make it productive.
Be Vulnerable
We all want to look tough and strong in a relationship but remember point no. 1 which says being you around your partner. It means you can also have your scars or bad past or your feelings of insecurity (I always feel insecure when I give space to any person, Don’t have SRK confidence) which you experience, it is very tough to talk about all those things. It breaks the image of yourself which you have created as “Mard ko Dard Nahi Hota” but “hota hai” when a person know where to hit.
When you find someone that can help you work through those feelings without judgment, it’s really special and you can talk about anything. Your partner would accept you as a whole where you have your short comings and strong points both.
You don’t need each other
By the heading, you already have decided this is the stupid point but trust me this judgement is passed by your insecurities not your emotions and soul. As they say “No sustainable relationship is built on necessity.”
We should be loving people we want to be with forever without guilt, not people who are convenient. Sometimes the path might look shaky and not clear but the faith between relationship turn that road to a life time experience (At least you would have a story to tell your grand children)
If your partner is self sufficient then it is ensured in a relationship that both are equal and no one is caretaker. We all like feeling needed, but a relationship that lets us feel free is more important in the long run. Let them feel free, your bonding and trust wont let that person to go anywhere.
They are your cheerleader
This point came in the mind at the time of watching cricket match, Role of cheerleader is to celebrate and encourage the team member when that person is performing well. In same manner you want someone in your life who is interested in what you are passionate about and will be your biggest cheerleader in reaching your goal.
Remember this, when you’re more excited to share your successes with your partner than anyone else, that’s an environment where love can bloom.
Not every relationship is perfect, but you can still find happiness and love. I am a flag bearer of Failed relationships and trust me its not a one sided game where knowing all the points will help you. A successful relationship wants two people who are equal and are ready to invest trust, support and time with each other (not saying love) to create a environment where love can bloom.
If you find someone that meets the most essential criteria, you can start your work from there and remember me when you need to have some tough conversation and you need a person to mediate. Every relationship is going to have pain points and weaknesses. It’s not easy to make two characters work seamlessly together, but that’s not what relationships are about.
You will know when you will be in strong and healthy relationship because you would feel happy within yourself and in your circle and you would not be spending your time in overthinking. It feels great guaranteeing that you are emotionally aligned with yourself and aware of your partner’s needs will go a long way to promise the health and permanency of your relationship.
