Its almost unavoidable today to separate dating and technologies. When you have friends who always keep you forcing to try one irrespective you tell them multiple times that its not meant for you. So I decided to dedicate this post for some fans of online apps (their B and A’s) and to make them believe that its not for me as I am old school hopelessly romantic person. I don’t fall in love with anyone because I am lonely or lost. If I fell in love with anyone which means after getting to know that person, I realized that I wanted to make that person a permanent part of my world.
These online websites are just a few medium that are changing the way we date and I am sure its not for better. Its like living in alternate universe where that person is behaving the way we want them to behave because there is no validation. In my personal opinion actions speak louder than words and in current scenarios anyone can pose as a person whom you are willing to go any extent. It is being advised to date old fashioned way and meet individuals via friends and take risks.
I have downloaded few of these (B & A) because I was forced and when I agree to something I do generally without giving a second thought. I also downloaded Bumble to see if my mind had changed about online dating. This is the first time in almost 7 years that I’ve been single after all. When I was exploring, it bothered me how these potential matches had everything so perfect and polished. Does this happen in real life? Then I took expert advice from me (Self talking is my forte) and concluded that it could be a place where I can be perfect where I can show the world what I want to be instead of what I am. Then I gone through almost 500 profiles and may be more and everything was just too good to be true. Being an analyst by heart I understood that these are not meant for me because I am not that desperate to be with someone where I can go just crazy by swiping right.
Call me old fashioned, but I prefer meeting new people in person, and you get to know about them without any agenda. You interact them with no hidden intentions and you know more about that person by observing not what that person is saying. Sometime, you just fall for the idea of that person being with you. I thought that would remove the anxiety of talking to random people and be someone who you are not beneath.
Here are 5 reasons that online dating is not my cup of tea or Coffee and change my mind if you can:
Love can’t be timed! Love is to be lived (It just happened): I liked this quote from Money Heist and I think this blog is brand ambassador of this thought that you just fall in love without any thought of togetherness or any complications. Issues come when you try to control that love to be with you. One thing is for sure that you can not time love by taking subscription on some dating sites and get a expert to create a bio which can attract anyone in the world. Often the things we are most attached to have the habit of eluding us. Some times fear of being alone can blur your judgement of people and in the process we forget that not being with someone is better than being with a wrong person and realize after many years.
Wanting someone to love you for yourself, no matter what, is an plausible desire. Yet this type of love might still seem like the stuff of fairy tales and movies, not something most people encounter in real life. Unconditional love can provide a sense of security for you but in online dating is most insecure place it could be. There is always a possibility of someone who is 9/10 or 9.5/10 and even if you are with 9.5/10 you would remain insecure that there are so many other persons on internet who are catfishing for your catch. Feeling confident in someone’s love and knowing it won’t go away can help create secure attachments and autonomy, independence, and self-worth.
I have been married once (Read being in long relationship): I use to believe that relationships are not perfect, and you can do wonders by adjusting yourself with anyone who shares same interests as yours. My family got that arranged and I was in a relationship/marriage all by my choice and decision. Where I was trying to figure out that person day in day out and adjusting myself so this relationship could work. Even then living with that person and knowing her for 4 years I could not be able to understand or see that person when things were not so good in that relationship. I was barely able to make a judgement when chips were down, and my so perfect life was tearing apart. Out of desperation to make this work as it was my call to get married someway it took 3 more years get out of that mess which left scars on me. The point being that when I was not able to know the person when I was with her then how can I trust these people who seems so perfect online.
Meeting someone new is now a constant possibility. But this breakthrough at the level of introduction has masked an ongoing challenge at the level of ultimate purpose. We may have become easier to meet, but we are not any easier to love.
Unresolved issues and current emotions: these are very important step before moving to any relationship beat it online or old school. If you have not moved out from a past relationship, then it is already hard for you to connect with someone willingly. People around you may say that you are ready and you would like to believe that but deep inside you already know that you are still working on those and putting yourself emotionally at the right place. That’s when old school techniques comes where your heart plays the cupid and without knowing you get attracted to someone which helps you to find the right balance. This is nearly impossible in case of online dating. Sometimes your emotions and past learnings are so strong that you would never have an expectations out of anything and your emotions are just not in control when you are around someone.
I have experienced this. When you are connecting on every major topic and things are going all well because these thoughts are behind an internet connection and then you meet in person and everything you liked about that person evaporates before your eyes. That’s the gamble you take when meeting people online and for records I might not be ready for that.
Its not a problem which needs to be solved by Algorithms: Algorithms are not magic which will help me getting a fairy tale soulmate right in my message box just like that. They will give you so many matches and the dating websites are designed in such a manner that you keep on looking and get more invested than you should. Not getting a correct match might make you more desperate and lonelier, it might make you feel that even technology is not able to help you (Laugh). As per me finding a person is not a super-fast process it happened eventually and first of all if you are single its not a problem to solve. You have to get your thoughts clear as why you want to be that way or what you want from your life and I must say being with someone is the most suitable option for anyone in long term. So Instead of putting your faith on algo or tech you must start feeling comfortable with your situation and try not to solve a problem of being alone.
People can fake Perfection (can cause emotional damage): I have learnt that fake it until you make it and this theory can work wonders in online dating websites. It is very difficult to tell if someone is genuine by just looking at their profile. What ultimately scares me about online dating is diving into the unknown and not knowing what to expect out of it. Admittedly, I’ve never been on a date with someone I barely knew. How do you even strike up a conversation with someone you found on a dating app and hang out with them to get to know them more? Also, how are people even sure they’re not talking to a catfish or worse, a serial killer (just being more dramatic)? If you fall for someone via internet then there would always be a fear of unknown because you might not be able to figure out how that person would behave when you are not around. I can say for sure because sometime just to avoid conflicts people say or agree to everything which can get them out of that situation.
We forget that almost everyone is a charming prospect so long as we know nothing about them. Part of what it takes to be ready for love is to imagine the difficulties that we cannot, as yet, know too much about in detail; the bad moods that will lurk behind the energetic smiles, the difficult pasts that lie beneath the lustrous eyes, the twisted scares that reside beneath a stated love of camping and the outdoors.
After reading many similar likes, dislikes, and bios, people start to blend. When you can’t remember if you’ve already messaged that cute sushi-loving gal, online dating kind of sucks.
Still, I do admire those who can positively use dating apps and aren’t scared to meet new people. Online dating does sound like fun but it’s really not for everyone, especially if someone is emotionally unprepared to be disappointed by a person, they’d met through these dating apps. For my personal experience, I am not the Tiana who is willing to kiss many frogs before she can get her prince. I want to sit with the person even in dark if she fails to see the bright side of the life.
I have learned that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. I've learned that there are things that go wrong that don't always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I've learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you.
When you want to know where your heart is, Look where your mind goes when it wanders..!! Allow me to quote from HIMYM where Robin says “If you have a chemistry, you only need one other thing -timing… But timing is a B*T*H…!!”
Would I give online dating another try in the near future? I honestly don’t know. If I feel like messing around with it again, maybe. I’m in no rush to go on dates and get into a new relationship anyway unless it is being directed by my Heart and a pending Coffee date!
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