As they say if you fall in love the
second time always go for the second option because if the first person was
good enough for you then you won’t be able to fall for anyone. I hate to admit
it that most of the time I judge people or character basis my perception and
knowledge of the situation. Since childhood I was told that if you are good you
will be encountered with good people in your life. Till now I am unable to
prove this either right or wrong. When people leave a place to other
place they carry all the memories of that place along with the stuff which was
useful for them at that point of time. Emotional attachment is the reason for
carrying those belongings. I still remember carrying love letters, audio
recordings and greeting cards from my earlier relations (yeah all these were
used to be in physical format). Carrying them was a hardship for me mentally
and physically and I was so attached to these things that I stopped looking
brighter side of the life. I always compare each situation with my earlier
shortcomings or bad decisions.
I knew what needs to be done but what about this baggage and emotional
attachments I am carrying which I loved at that point of time. I was sitting with
a road side person (don’t tell my Mom or anyone for that matter) and having the
fun of my life and he has asked me one day that he got a better place for
begging which is very far from that place and he has to pay INR 100 daily for
that place. In existing place he used to give INR 50 and earn 3 to 5 hundred
everyday and he was there for 10 years. When I asked that what will happen to
this place. He replied that is not his problem if he wanted to reach somewhere
then he has to leave from a place completely else he won’t reach. This was eureka
moment for me and I came back home and burned all the physical evidence of my
toxic or beautiful or mutually exclusive relationships. I know most of you won’t
feel it but trust me I find it comforting and I was able to concentrate on my
job hunt ( yeah I was jobless too at that point of time).
It’s the same way in partnerships:
romantic or friendly. And what do you do when your new lover/friend has an
extra full cart with scars of previous relations and bad memories along with
broken thought process. Lets assume the worst case scenario if your partner
barely made it out of their previous relationship with their sanity or worse.
Then trust me knowingly or unknowingly it’s a source of conflict in
your new relationship. Here is few tried and tested (few of them might be in
testing phase by someone else too) points to be considered with a disclaimer
that I am not a expert:
Patience
of the Buddha
Patience is the key to everything. In
any relationships there are the issues which you can see and few of them you cannot
see and most of the time you assume because you are afraid to ask. Asking
someone who is still reeling from the conflict and other attachments to be
patient is a glorious thought but not realistic. You might get yourself blocked
out from the scenario. So if you are the one with objectivity and holds the
responsibility to be there in scenario then set firm boundaries and love
unconditionally (even if you are yet to ask her out).
How many times have you experience
this: “hey, you have told that you would call me and reach for dinner date
around 7 and now its 8 or you did not even call me to tell that you wont be
able to make it or you did not drop a single message.”
Now you are on a cross road where you
can communicate in a neutral tone or fight about thousand other things. Trust
me its always important to get their side of the story with empathy and
compassion. Let’s say in this scenario your friend/lover has shown this more
than once and the reason was that they were out with friends and lost the track
of time. In this case you must say that you value his/her friends and are
completely comfortable that they are having a good time too but instead of just
being angry you should ask her/him to value you the same way. If you just show
the anger then it will become an issue instead of the problem that you felt
left alone.
Don’t
buy in
Buying word used in casino where you
have to invest certain amount to sit on a table to play. So in same manner just
don’t buy in with considering all the aspect about your relationship. You must
not make a mistake about it as frustration, anger, control issues along with
trust issues all stem from unresolved hurt and pain. Most of the time in a new
relationship it’s what your partner fears that you will do based on their
experience with others.
You new partner may overreact one day
when you say that you are going out with your friends. A common response from
me would be to get pissed off, leave and deal with fallout later. I wont
recommend it that why this post come in existence. You need to ask what is the reason
and most of the time they have a fear that you might found someone else and
will cheat on them. Its about feeling insecure and this feeling comes when you
think your partner is more dynamic than you. You have to make them feel
comfortable as they’ve got to find a way to trust you and you’ve got to find a
way to be trustworthy. The road goes both ways. It’s necessary to take a
risk and be honest even if it means your partner decides they want to go
another direction.
Look
at yourself first
It’s
always easier to see problems in others than seeing yourself. But you can not
help someone else if you haven’t been able to help yourself. So first of all
instead of being a counselor you must sort your issues first. I always believed
in that and till the time I am clean and ready to move forward I wont go for
the next step. I think if you go ahead with broken thoughts and feeling along
with no clarity to the coming future then you are destroying multiple lives.
For me Love means being ready, prepared
and able to see and fight your deepest pain or joy and to accept it head on.
Sometime Sometimes helping another means letting them witness your
vulnerability, your trust, your joy, and your pain. Showing them how it is,
instead of telling them how it should be. Love while you can and be truthful
with the rest.
Let
go of ‘perfection ‘You are not Amir Khan
Lets
admit that being human is great thing in this universe but we are far from
perfect. The basic problem with perfection is that it will overlook the fact
that you cant be perfect at everything. When you were busy in achieving
perfection in one area the other area would be suffering at the same point of
time. When you put your perfectionist hat you are going to cause trouble in
your relationship. If you are still not able to understand then let me say in
more polite manner that explore how your need to be perfect or right might be
affecting your relationship, then loosen the hold and open up to enjoying your
forgiving, fun, honest, imperfect relationship. Trust me the most
memorable moments in life are those which are not planned. I always miss the
morning coffee which was not at all planned and perfect and even I hate the
taste of the coffee sometimes but the moment was awesome and that is still
fresh in memory lane.
Don’t
be a Judge
They say it’s not over till it’s over,
and I find it to be true. Assume a scenario where your partner still suffer or
have strong feelings about their previous relationship then you are entering
into her/his life as a third party (Sounds Bad, I know) when it comes to energy
and emotions. Read it carefully which I am about to write, don’t be jealous as
that third party its important for you to truly understand both side of the
dynamics. As they say when you do not know the type of the knot how will you
going to open it.
As the heading suggests don’t be a
judge as you are going to encourage your partner to talk about what happened
and for you to listen to what’s being said and what’s not being said. In a
relationship like this it is important to be willing and able to put yourself
in both positions and consider what you would do, in that manner you have clear
understanding of the mechanics. I didn’t say it would be easy.
It’s easy to
accept that the way you feel and the things you believe are normal – they
may be, but that doesn’t mean they’re working for you. There is always the
possibility for a new kind of normal. Old wounds have many ways of stealing
into relationships. They can disrupt a connection; prevent a connection
from reaching take-off. When you are willing to take a leap of faith then everything
is beautiful. Love will heal you in longer run as Love is the answer for all
the pain. Trust me the day will come when the walls need to fall and the armor
needs to soften. Till the time Hang ON! She is worth It!
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