Maa, Me and Cancer - A Phase of Life

I have stated enough and most of the people around me know that My Mom is my support function and I am yet to imagine a life without her. I would say I am not prepared for the day when she would not be around and thinking of that frightened me and sometimes reasons of my sleepless night. I am still processing the news which I got 10 months ago when we have discovered that she has this disease named “Cancer”. I have never thought that I would have the first-hand experience of this life-threatening disease. This disease required rigorous treatment and if someone has been diagnosed with this then apart from the that person their family and friends will experience waves of emotions which can’t be explained. The diagnosis of cancer is a family experience that changes the lives of all its members, bringing an immense amount of stress and many challenging situations. The daily routine, common activities, and distribution of duties all must change.

I am known to be a less emotional person and somehow I have never tried to break the myth about it as it has helped me to not indulge in social activities. I have never thought in my life that a disease can change so much around me. It felt like my whole support system got infected and I could not able to breath because I am yet to figure out a life for me where I wont have my mother around. I can say it with 100% confidence that Cancer is a family experience, and often family members have as many problems coping with it as it does the diagnosed patient. The family goes through different stages of adjusting to the disease. The emotional reactions which include anger, bitterness, guilt and adjustment pain, and may or may not lead to the acceptance of the disease. Mom was also struggling with acceptance of the disease initially and we have seen multiple instances where we were in denial and shock and asking each other "This can't be true." Why this has to happen with us. Specially for me it was more like Anger and Rage as I already have my personal Life issues where I was seeking support from her and kept questioning to God as “This isn’t fair” and “Why me?” I am yet to get an answer but soon will find and will write about that too.

If I have to create a timeline of emotions for my Mom it would be like below (people say I like writing in points):

Anger and rage - "Why wasn't I protected from this?"

Stress and depression - "Why should I get treatment? I'll die anyway."

Grief and fear - "I will never feel safe again." “My Kids are suffering because of me”

We had so many late-night discussions and we had become “Cancer specialist” by searching day and night about the steps involved and about the treatments and Doctors.  Finally, we got the Doctor who suppose to treat and operate on Mom’s disease. People who got to know about her were telling that feeling strong and positive will help in healing process but the mood swings of Mom’s and me (I am known for my mood swings) was on different level. My emotions were hidden under the thick layer of Sarcasm and self-proclaimed astrologist who was telling everyone that everything would be fine. Before this post none would believe me that I was shit scared.

I always knew in my life that dealing with emotions would not be easy for me and I have stopped being vulnerable even in front of people who cares. When Mom diagnosed with Cancer, it was very difficult to identify and honor the feelings and there is no book in the world which can tell you the way to feel about something. Yet, working through your emotions can help lower stress. This can lead to improved mental and physical health.

I am no expert, but I can surly say people will tell you to be strong and have patience and faith but it is easier said than done. I have a very screwed up personal life (Discussion for some other day) and apart from MAA I had nothing to hold when I am down or when nothing is working out in life and suddenly your support function needs a deadly support, it is very difficult to cope up in this situation. When you are mentally not organised, you end up ruining all your personal connections and people.  People around you wont understand the situation you are going through and even you wont be able to explain because it seems very simple in other person’s head (as his Mom has cancer and treatment is going on and she would recover soon and this is a phase which will pass) but it’s difficult to explain as what’s happening to you mentally. I have never been known to share my feelings even if my life is on stake (not something I am proud of).

As I keep making points and try to find answers in bullet points. Here are my five pointers as how We (Mom and Family along with me) are going through this journey:

Accept your feelings: Be kind to yourself and avoid judging yourself for your emotions. Try to pay attention to what you’re feeling and spend time with people who are positive and uplifting. Many emotional challenges will lessen or go away as you move through cancer treatment. Your sense of hope and confidence can increase with time. At First going for operation was tough and due to 3^rd stage it was kind of difficult for everyone to keep hope but we did not have an option. First time we got to know or visit the doc was on my Birthday when I took Mom for doc visit and within 5 days my brother has consulted more than 10 doctors about this situation.

I might have irritated him much by asking stupid questions and he has also given some uncomfortable replies at that time as he was also going through the same emotional process and has different way of dealing with it. Once you accept your feelings and go through the pain of worst possibility then you can see the light and can hold the hand of Hope. Hope would work for you when you are mentally prepared for worst but in your heart you keep hope alive and each heartbeats says “Everything going to be alright”. In my best of Judgement (I have poor judgements too with no regrets) accepting your feelings and thoughts (negative or positive) in these kind of situation works.

How to deal with emotions: It's natural to feel loss after receiving a cancer diagnosis. At first, the thought of living with cancer and treatment can be overwhelming and my Mom was no exception. She could have gone to the verge of giving up Hope too, but we were there for the support. We kept her engage in this journey by making jokes on the disease or by telling her that we all are there in this. Having support system is an important part of dealing with emotions. Dealing with your emotions along with family members is like having cocktail when you do not like to mix your drink. It hits you hard and in some scenarios you blame yourself of the things which were beyond your control.

If feelings of sadness and depression grow stronger with time, for me I have a different type of coping mechanism. Either I find some anchor who can let me flow with my emotions and work as a support system. This has really worked for me all the time and last time it worked like a charm but this time the anchor was gone and I was vulnerable to emotions. Took a leap of faith and find a way to process my thoughts and emotions but having mood swings like mine it didn’t work out even if I tried not to ruin it but eventually, I am a champion in it. When I get no way out I started doing random things like travelling even if it is not required and taking help of some medicines too. I stopped writing since then because I didn’t find peace in that too (I am not a good writer though and it wont change a thing in the world).

My advice these emotional issues can be damaging so open up with people (might be sound like preaching but this is the best way to go about it) and you have to find right kind of people. :P

Deal with people reactions: For Mom dealing with the emotions and beliefs of other people about cancer may also be challenging. For example, those closest to her might worry about losing her. She was concerned about the changes in her life might affect us. In her own words “Everyone is around me and not going for work (WFH was blessing in disguise) and kind of money is getting spend makes me feel sad as I could not do much about it”. I can understand that It can be hard to deal with the fears of others while you are facing your own.

Sometimes people are not sure what to say when they learn you have cancer patient as your Mom. Even as they try to offer support, some might say or do things that hurt your feelings or offend you. Some people are uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of cancer in their own lives. Because of their own fears, they may not know the best way to help you with your illness.

Then comes second type of People who can also pass on incorrect information, false beliefs and myths about cancer. For example, although we don’t yet know what causes most types of cancers, people might try to tell you a reason for your cancer. They might give their opinion about the best cure for cancer. It becomes critical when their ideas and beliefs are different from yours. Whenever I see that happening I just speak up and let them know that doctors are doing their job and we (me and that person) are not qualified enough to pass judgement. I can surly say that people don’t like me.

Fear of recurrence: Even if Doctors and reports are positive and there are no signs but the thought of recurrence is always there with her. She might worry that every ache or pain is a sign of her cancer recurring. Eventually these fears will fade, though they may never go away completely. I keep on telling her that you should be honest about your feeling or any issue which you feel and try not to take guilt about your feeling or ignore them in hopes that they will go away.

In my opinion to fight this syndrome you have to take the control of the fear and see what you can do t influence your health. Try to do the following atleast:

• Go to all your follow up appointments: You may fear the worst when it's time for your next follow-up appointment. Don't let that stop you from going.
• Get all of your follow-up tests. Discuss with your doctor plans for follow-up and monitoring of your cancer. Together, you will formulate a specific follow-up plan based on your specific situation.
• Eat healthy and eat regularly
• Keep busy. Get out of the house and find activities that will take your mind off your fears.

Stress, Depression, Anxiety and Loneliness post treatment: All these are any which ways not good for health and when you are recovering from Cancer these could create issues too. All these are phycological and I will give you my Mom’s example, When she was diagnosed with Cancer and our entire focus was on treatment and timely medicine to make her healthy. She has followed all the instructions and now when she is nearing to complete the treatment (Radio therapy is running), all projects and her work around the house giving her stress because she wanted to complete everything in one go so she can catchup to the pace. When she is not able to do then Lingering feelings of sadness and anger can interfere with her daily life. For many people these feelings will dissipate. But for others, these feelings can develop into depression and anxiety. So we keep on having discussions and plans in order to give her small targets to reach so we both can be happy.

She feels some time as others cant understand that what she has been through, which makes it hard to relate to other people and can lead to loneliness. If she kept on feeling that way then we become unsure as how to help her as no one wants to upset her. We keep on interacting on the issues and medicine and other not much important stuff (about my future and life) with her which keep her busy.

I can keep on going as this phase has taught me a lot and make me a better human being. I got the clarity of mind and my overthinking skill has prepared me for better to worst scenarios. Most of you might find this post boring but this is my way to keep journal and record my emotional encounters. I hope next time I would come up with some interesting topic (suggestions can work).