Crush Alert - An Open Letter to My Crush

I believe most of the time too many thoughts go unsaid because either situations are not positive, or you are tied up with some imaginary bonds. However, as they say you can create/see beauty in everything, if you stop feeling hurt and believe in the Magic. I always say, “do the favour to the universe and don’t hide your magic”. I come from old school where Love at first sight was a thing, and this right swipe technology can not beat that. Sometimes Love can be most unexpected thing in life which can destroy all your plans and you cannot understand the maths (When you involve maths then it becomes more critical hence the reference) behind it. I wrote about what we see in a girl to get attracted however this can’t be true all the time and sometimes you get attracted to the vibe (Magic) when you were least expecting it. It’s a contagious and you won’t get over it.

Personally, I always get attracted to broken souls, pain behind those smiles, Big eyes and hidden darkness which is expecting a light of hope. Somehow, I start feeling responsible to fix and understand those feelings (People say I don’t understand feelings and I don’t care about them) so I can absorb and understand other people prospective. When you start understanding the person by seeing the soul then there is no going back at least for me. It’s a trap for me and I always remain there in Love. Sometimes you cannot explain, what you see in a person. It is just the way they take you to the places where no one else can. It’s hard to get rid of the demons inside you because they were holding you once no one was there but it doesn’t mean you have to be there even if you get a chance to embrace light. Sometimes I am in love with the impossibility of us because being in Love is beautiful. That’s the reason I am too old for Internet Love and I believe in falling in Love.

I am sure by now you would have started to think what I am trying to say. I am having a mental block for almost 4 years as I failed to read a person with whom I had spend 7 years (3 years knowing I judged her well and 4 years thinking what to do and how to get out of it). In this journey for 4 years I have met few people who have helped me in coping up the situation apart from Family and brother from other mothers. Those people have worked magic in my life, and I fell for them unknowingly but never expressed because I always was either in wrong story or at wrong time.

Love. It truly is a magical feeling when it’s shared. Slow down. It takes time and, yes, it usually begins with a crush. That can be frightening because no one likes to feel rejected, and crushes can work both ways. I am sharing this letter so they can know how I feel about them and there would be many more people who would share my thoughts too (whoever have seen the magic). Just because people don’t vocalize things, they love about you or the qualities they admire, doesn’t mean you aren’t admired for all that you are. The second reason is to free myself by being vulnerable and I believe this is the best way. One of the most beautiful things in a person is emotional vulnerability, so why would I not use that to my advantage? Be the energy you wish to attract and live more in the uncomfortable. I hope one day I could say "Will you be my Valentine forever?".

Dear You,

I love your energy and vibe and I believe you already know that though. You know the last time I was easily able to see this when I was in 5^th Grade, and I admitted that I liked a girl. I have a crush on you or may be more than that because thinking about you makes me dizzy and all I get excited when I see you virtually or in person. I have been feeling this way for some time and I really don’t know how to say it and if I should say it because things are much better this way where I don’t have fear to loose you and I don’t want to find out if this revelation of feeling will change it. I have never told you these feelings because I don’t want to make things awkward. I am being the greatest overthinker alive and I know that you are too sweet to lose over something silly like the romantic feelings of me for you which are not mutual (I don’t know). I have always thanked my crushes for touching my life in such a beautiful way which made me a better person.

We were connected for the longer time and but not have known each other for the longest time but I know this for sure that I have feelings for you. Whether they may be of infatuation or actual love, I don’t know yet. The only thing I know that you are kind hearted, amazing, soulful and one of the most fantastic people I have ever known. I couldn’t bear to see you hurt. I would lose my mind.

Let me explain myself, my Cancerian friend says I always keep things with me and don’t express in person which is not correct. As per him you deserve to know (he doesn’t know you yet) and hear how truly amazing you are and it’s unfortunate that in this internet and app generation that letters like these are not written more often. First, you are hilarious, and I love that we can build off each other’s humour. It’s not your wit or intellectual humour because you are yet to reach there as training is in process but you are silly at the same time. When I started interacting with you, I couldn’t believe that how effortlessly you can be weird, quirky, goofy and childish at the same time. You seem like pure light which just reached the darkest places of my heart which was closed for more than years.  

I also love and appreciate that you are sensitive, thoughtful, and deep. My Mom is one of the strongest pillars in my life and she has taught me that strength is not how little you can allow yourself to feel and care about everything and be loving even you can be hurt. I love that you are strong like that too. I love that you get emotional and are not ashamed by that as you believe that crying is good for beauty. It is beautiful and inspiring and makes me feel comfortable letting my guards down. Around you, I feel safe and protected. I don’t know if I can say I have ever felt that way around anyone before. I love that you see and like me for who I am and what I love.

I really do think you are incredibly cute and trust me that is not why I like you the way I do. I like you for so many more important reasons than the way you look. I love the way you are and the way you make me feel basis your stupid ideas to spend my weekends (on B and A). You are kind, affectionate, silly and loving and most inspiring thing is that you are hardworking, have dreams, you are interesting and you are willing to fight for your dreams. I always have this fear if people going to like me for me, who I am, for my heart, with my broken soul and my darkness which kept me captive for the longest time. For someone to love me like that I can wait a long time, because I don’t believe there is anything more magical than true love.

I love you so much, and it’s not just a made-up thing. When I’m with you, I feel like everything is possible and that life is perfect. It’s as if God created you to make my world the best place for me to live. You know, I can’t describe the kind of happiness that I feel every time my cell phone beeps and received your message. You deeply warm my heart and soul with those messages that you send to me. Those messages inspire me in life.

I know you and I believe I don’t have much time and current circumstances and timings are not favorable for us. I don’t want to make things more complicated for us than they already are. Regardless of your feelings and even if this doesn’t work, I will always cherish this connection forever and keep these feelings valuable and private. The thought of you reading this letter and able to understand that you are the one I am talking about and feeling so loved, appreciated, and valued brings me nothing but happiness. You mean everything to me. I love you for who you are, and I would never change that. Your smile, your eyes, your voice. I love it all. When you laugh, I laugh, when you smile, you make me weak in the knees every beat of my heart is for you… Thinking of you brings a smile to my face, and your face brings sunshine into mine.

I have made myself understood that we might be those twin flames who make us better persons who can handle anything in life. That could be the reason God has put us on those paths and somehow, I got connected to your unperfect way of handling things perfectly. I will accept it someday. So just spending time with you is something I look forward to. Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure. I was so happy and inspired to see you always and almost every day is my happiness. Even though I know I am the only one feels that way. But it’s okay as I am not wishing that you do admire and care for me too. To see you is enough it brought smile to my heart. But unexpectedly I feel that there is hope between us.

Here is my favorite pickup line which I have used with 100% results might work on you “Hathi Naali me Bah nahi sakta, Main tumhare bina rah nahi sakta.”

Sincerely,

Me

Maa, Me and Cancer - A Phase of Life

I have stated enough and most of the people around me know that My Mom is my support function and I am yet to imagine a life without her. I would say I am not prepared for the day when she would not be around and thinking of that frightened me and sometimes reasons of my sleepless night. I am still processing the news which I got 10 months ago when we have discovered that she has this disease named “Cancer”. I have never thought that I would have the first-hand experience of this life-threatening disease. This disease required rigorous treatment and if someone has been diagnosed with this then apart from the that person their family and friends will experience waves of emotions which can’t be explained. The diagnosis of cancer is a family experience that changes the lives of all its members, bringing an immense amount of stress and many challenging situations. The daily routine, common activities, and distribution of duties all must change.

I am known to be a less emotional person and somehow I have never tried to break the myth about it as it has helped me to not indulge in social activities. I have never thought in my life that a disease can change so much around me. It felt like my whole support system got infected and I could not able to breath because I am yet to figure out a life for me where I wont have my mother around. I can say it with 100% confidence that Cancer is a family experience, and often family members have as many problems coping with it as it does the diagnosed patient. The family goes through different stages of adjusting to the disease. The emotional reactions which include anger, bitterness, guilt and adjustment pain, and may or may not lead to the acceptance of the disease. Mom was also struggling with acceptance of the disease initially and we have seen multiple instances where we were in denial and shock and asking each other "This can't be true." Why this has to happen with us. Specially for me it was more like Anger and Rage as I already have my personal Life issues where I was seeking support from her and kept questioning to God as “This isn’t fair” and “Why me?” I am yet to get an answer but soon will find and will write about that too.

If I have to create a timeline of emotions for my Mom it would be like below (people say I like writing in points):

Anger and rage - "Why wasn't I protected from this?"

Stress and depression - "Why should I get treatment? I'll die anyway."

Grief and fear - "I will never feel safe again." “My Kids are suffering because of me”

We had so many late-night discussions and we had become “Cancer specialist” by searching day and night about the steps involved and about the treatments and Doctors.  Finally, we got the Doctor who suppose to treat and operate on Mom’s disease. People who got to know about her were telling that feeling strong and positive will help in healing process but the mood swings of Mom’s and me (I am known for my mood swings) was on different level. My emotions were hidden under the thick layer of Sarcasm and self-proclaimed astrologist who was telling everyone that everything would be fine. Before this post none would believe me that I was shit scared.

I always knew in my life that dealing with emotions would not be easy for me and I have stopped being vulnerable even in front of people who cares. When Mom diagnosed with Cancer, it was very difficult to identify and honor the feelings and there is no book in the world which can tell you the way to feel about something. Yet, working through your emotions can help lower stress. This can lead to improved mental and physical health.

I am no expert, but I can surly say people will tell you to be strong and have patience and faith but it is easier said than done. I have a very screwed up personal life (Discussion for some other day) and apart from MAA I had nothing to hold when I am down or when nothing is working out in life and suddenly your support function needs a deadly support, it is very difficult to cope up in this situation. When you are mentally not organised, you end up ruining all your personal connections and people.  People around you wont understand the situation you are going through and even you wont be able to explain because it seems very simple in other person’s head (as his Mom has cancer and treatment is going on and she would recover soon and this is a phase which will pass) but it’s difficult to explain as what’s happening to you mentally. I have never been known to share my feelings even if my life is on stake (not something I am proud of).

As I keep making points and try to find answers in bullet points. Here are my five pointers as how We (Mom and Family along with me) are going through this journey:

Accept your feelings: Be kind to yourself and avoid judging yourself for your emotions. Try to pay attention to what you’re feeling and spend time with people who are positive and uplifting. Many emotional challenges will lessen or go away as you move through cancer treatment. Your sense of hope and confidence can increase with time. At First going for operation was tough and due to 3^rd stage it was kind of difficult for everyone to keep hope but we did not have an option. First time we got to know or visit the doc was on my Birthday when I took Mom for doc visit and within 5 days my brother has consulted more than 10 doctors about this situation.

I might have irritated him much by asking stupid questions and he has also given some uncomfortable replies at that time as he was also going through the same emotional process and has different way of dealing with it. Once you accept your feelings and go through the pain of worst possibility then you can see the light and can hold the hand of Hope. Hope would work for you when you are mentally prepared for worst but in your heart you keep hope alive and each heartbeats says “Everything going to be alright”. In my best of Judgement (I have poor judgements too with no regrets) accepting your feelings and thoughts (negative or positive) in these kind of situation works.

How to deal with emotions: It's natural to feel loss after receiving a cancer diagnosis. At first, the thought of living with cancer and treatment can be overwhelming and my Mom was no exception. She could have gone to the verge of giving up Hope too, but we were there for the support. We kept her engage in this journey by making jokes on the disease or by telling her that we all are there in this. Having support system is an important part of dealing with emotions. Dealing with your emotions along with family members is like having cocktail when you do not like to mix your drink. It hits you hard and in some scenarios you blame yourself of the things which were beyond your control.

If feelings of sadness and depression grow stronger with time, for me I have a different type of coping mechanism. Either I find some anchor who can let me flow with my emotions and work as a support system. This has really worked for me all the time and last time it worked like a charm but this time the anchor was gone and I was vulnerable to emotions. Took a leap of faith and find a way to process my thoughts and emotions but having mood swings like mine it didn’t work out even if I tried not to ruin it but eventually, I am a champion in it. When I get no way out I started doing random things like travelling even if it is not required and taking help of some medicines too. I stopped writing since then because I didn’t find peace in that too (I am not a good writer though and it wont change a thing in the world).

My advice these emotional issues can be damaging so open up with people (might be sound like preaching but this is the best way to go about it) and you have to find right kind of people. :P

Deal with people reactions: For Mom dealing with the emotions and beliefs of other people about cancer may also be challenging. For example, those closest to her might worry about losing her. She was concerned about the changes in her life might affect us. In her own words “Everyone is around me and not going for work (WFH was blessing in disguise) and kind of money is getting spend makes me feel sad as I could not do much about it”. I can understand that It can be hard to deal with the fears of others while you are facing your own.

Sometimes people are not sure what to say when they learn you have cancer patient as your Mom. Even as they try to offer support, some might say or do things that hurt your feelings or offend you. Some people are uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of cancer in their own lives. Because of their own fears, they may not know the best way to help you with your illness.

Then comes second type of People who can also pass on incorrect information, false beliefs and myths about cancer. For example, although we don’t yet know what causes most types of cancers, people might try to tell you a reason for your cancer. They might give their opinion about the best cure for cancer. It becomes critical when their ideas and beliefs are different from yours. Whenever I see that happening I just speak up and let them know that doctors are doing their job and we (me and that person) are not qualified enough to pass judgement. I can surly say that people don’t like me.

Fear of recurrence: Even if Doctors and reports are positive and there are no signs but the thought of recurrence is always there with her. She might worry that every ache or pain is a sign of her cancer recurring. Eventually these fears will fade, though they may never go away completely. I keep on telling her that you should be honest about your feeling or any issue which you feel and try not to take guilt about your feeling or ignore them in hopes that they will go away.

In my opinion to fight this syndrome you have to take the control of the fear and see what you can do t influence your health. Try to do the following atleast:

• Go to all your follow up appointments: You may fear the worst when it's time for your next follow-up appointment. Don't let that stop you from going.
• Get all of your follow-up tests. Discuss with your doctor plans for follow-up and monitoring of your cancer. Together, you will formulate a specific follow-up plan based on your specific situation.
• Eat healthy and eat regularly
• Keep busy. Get out of the house and find activities that will take your mind off your fears.

Stress, Depression, Anxiety and Loneliness post treatment: All these are any which ways not good for health and when you are recovering from Cancer these could create issues too. All these are phycological and I will give you my Mom’s example, When she was diagnosed with Cancer and our entire focus was on treatment and timely medicine to make her healthy. She has followed all the instructions and now when she is nearing to complete the treatment (Radio therapy is running), all projects and her work around the house giving her stress because she wanted to complete everything in one go so she can catchup to the pace. When she is not able to do then Lingering feelings of sadness and anger can interfere with her daily life. For many people these feelings will dissipate. But for others, these feelings can develop into depression and anxiety. So we keep on having discussions and plans in order to give her small targets to reach so we both can be happy.

She feels some time as others cant understand that what she has been through, which makes it hard to relate to other people and can lead to loneliness. If she kept on feeling that way then we become unsure as how to help her as no one wants to upset her. We keep on interacting on the issues and medicine and other not much important stuff (about my future and life) with her which keep her busy.

I can keep on going as this phase has taught me a lot and make me a better human being. I got the clarity of mind and my overthinking skill has prepared me for better to worst scenarios. Most of you might find this post boring but this is my way to keep journal and record my emotional encounters. I hope next time I would come up with some interesting topic (suggestions can work).

Leap of Faith - God is Great

Let me start this post by admitting that I was the one who was an atheist some point of time. Then suddenly something happened and everything has changed. My trust and faith got restored and started to believe in someone who can control things like nobody’s business. I always trusted the supreme power and try to know God by reading books and listening to people and by consuming knowledge which was easily available to me. I had my life which was nearly perfect as I stopped complaining and was compromising on the entire front. Suddenly something happened and my belief in me got shattered and I was looking for an anchor by which I could came out from those moments and I can get time to think and rethink. Then few people and God came to my rescue, to have faith in God or someone is too believe unconditionally although there is no evidence of His existence. That was the reason I have faith in people along with have in God.

I believe why God can be better than people to have faith because He won’t judge you on the basis of your ideas and your situation. That is the reason people also turn to God to ask for guidance when facing a challenging situation. One of the recent examples where I have perfectly planned everything and have initiated the process to execute the things the planned way but things didn’t turn up well and it failed miserably. Now I have no one but me to blame. I have wonderful people around me who have more faith in me than I have. They keep giving me gyan and all those stuff which can work as medicine to my short comings. In reality I failed and I was not able to understand what went wrong then I took help from books and I realized if a human being can have full control of the situation then he might think that he can do anything and that anything can bring over confidence, false ego and control issues. So that person should have something to keep him grounded then God comes in picture in His weird ways to get things done.

So next time when this person will plan anything, he will be humble and will accommodate the God’s will in his plan. As they say it’s already planned by the master of the universe. If this person will fail again then he will be able to accept that as God’s will. That is the reason faith in God is very important for everyone. Praying can also have the affect of relieving stress, once someone has prayed they might feel that it is in God’s “hands” and allow them to handle the situation easier now that they have a sense of relief.

In my opinion we must have faith in God and follow these points in order to keep faith in almighty.

• If you are yet to find God, trust me there is no time in life to wait around for answers or trying to guess true meaning of life. He is the only way to lead you to your destination.

• I must say have faith in God, be true to yourself and others too. Hard work and fairness will get you far and if you have faith you will overcome everything

• Vivekananda says that the right word for faith is Shraddha. Shraddha cannot be defined. It is the catalyst for realization. So faith is the catalyst for realization which in turn is the realization of god. Everyone comes with a seed of faith that we nurture. As Krishna says in the Bhagavad gita “he (the consciousness) who nurtures these values with supreme faith knowing me Krishna to be above all. He is dearest to me”

• You should be thankful to God everyday as you wake up everyday healthy and it’s a privilege denied to many. Trust God even if you fail at something you are doing. Learn from your mistakes, pick yourself up and try again. Ask Am I happy at what I’m doing in my job and life.

• Always try to look on the Brightside of the life and never give up on your dream. Keep the oil of faith burning and be grateful no matter what.

• Be passionate about anything you do. If you find that you are living your life and are not passionate about it then do the changes in your life. Do not wait for anything take a bold leap of faith and it will pay off. Choose to be Happy!

• Live fearlessly and love with all your heart. Find a purpose that would last, one that can have impact on people or society. Live with a grateful heart, and love the people that come your way.

• Listen to your gut feelings and pursue what you love most. Ignore negative situations and don’t let it overwhelm you. Be positive and have faith in the universe. Respect others equally and enjoy life even during hard times, strive to see the positive of all situations and have fun. (Easier Said then done)

• I would say that you only have one life, and with it being such a short time period, you need to make the most of everything you do. Set goals, accomplish them and celebrate the little things in life.

• Always follow your heart and your passion. Don’t ever let someone tell you that you cannot do something. Family and faith should always be 2 things that you can count on. Always love and respect yourself before asking someone else to.

• Believe in yourself, have compassion for you and others and build a good foundation of faith and self-esteem. That will help you in times that are hard and could shake your hope for a better future. Stand firm in your beliefs.

Faith has great importance in the religious and spiritual realms. Faith may be difficult to prove through scientific experiments, but its presence can often be felt in our everyday life. The popular saying, “Faith can move mountains” is quite true and there have been various examples of this. People overcoming their disabilities, people making a comeback after losing everything, people working for peace and society’s welfare, are just a few examples of how faith can move mountains. With good intentions, and faith in your abilities and God’s guidance, you can achieve anything you want.