I have stated enough and most of the people around me know that My Mom is my support function and I am yet to imagine a life without her. I would say I am not prepared for the day when she would not be around and thinking of that frightened me and sometimes reasons of my sleepless night. I am still processing the news which I got 10 months ago when we have discovered that she has this disease named “Cancer”. I have never thought that I would have the first-hand experience of this life-threatening disease. This disease required rigorous treatment and if someone has been diagnosed with this then apart from the that person their family and friends will experience waves of emotions which can’t be explained. The diagnosis of cancer is a family experience that changes the lives of all its members, bringing an immense amount of stress and many challenging situations. The daily routine, common activities, and distribution of duties all must change.
I
am known to be a less emotional person and somehow I have never tried to break
the myth about it as it has helped me to not indulge in social activities. I
have never thought in my life that a disease can change so much around me. It
felt like my whole support system got infected and I could not able to breath
because I am yet to figure out a life for me where I wont have my mother
around. I can say it with 100% confidence that Cancer is a family experience,
and often family members have as many problems coping with it as it does the
diagnosed patient. The family goes through different stages of adjusting to the
disease. The emotional reactions which include anger, bitterness, guilt and
adjustment pain, and may or may not lead to the acceptance of the disease. Mom
was also struggling with acceptance of the disease initially and we have seen
multiple instances where we were in denial and shock and asking each other "This
can't be true." Why this has to happen with us. Specially for me it was
more like Anger and Rage as I already have my personal Life issues where I was
seeking support from her and kept questioning to God as “This isn’t fair” and
“Why me?” I am yet to get an answer but soon will find and will write about
that too.
If
I have to create a timeline of emotions for my Mom it would be like below
(people say I like writing in points):
Anger
and rage - "Why wasn't I protected from this?"
Stress
and depression - "Why should I get treatment? I'll die anyway."
Grief
and fear - "I will never feel safe again." “My Kids are suffering
because of me”
We
had so many late-night discussions and we had become “Cancer specialist” by
searching day and night about the steps involved and about the treatments and
Doctors. Finally, we got the Doctor who
suppose to treat and operate on Mom’s disease. People who got to know about her
were telling that feeling strong and positive will help in healing process but
the mood swings of Mom’s and me (I am known for my mood swings) was on
different level. My emotions were hidden under the thick layer of Sarcasm and
self-proclaimed astrologist who was telling everyone that everything would be
fine. Before this post none would believe me that I was shit scared.
I
always knew in my life that dealing with emotions would not be easy for me and
I have stopped being vulnerable even in front of people who cares. When Mom diagnosed
with Cancer, it was very difficult to identify and honor the feelings and there
is no book in the world which can tell you the way to feel about something.
Yet, working through your emotions can help lower stress. This can lead to
improved mental and physical health.
I
am no expert, but I can surly say people will tell you to be strong and have
patience and faith but it is easier said than done. I have a very screwed up
personal life (Discussion for some other day) and apart from MAA I had nothing
to hold when I am down or when nothing is working out in life and suddenly your
support function needs a deadly support, it is very difficult to cope up in
this situation. When you are mentally not organised, you end up ruining all
your personal connections and people. People
around you wont understand the situation you are going through and even you
wont be able to explain because it seems very simple in other person’s head (as
his Mom has cancer and treatment is going on and she would recover soon and
this is a phase which will pass) but it’s difficult to explain as what’s
happening to you mentally. I have never been known to share my feelings even if
my life is on stake (not something I am proud of).
As
I keep making points and try to find answers in bullet points. Here are my five
pointers as how We (Mom and Family along with me) are going through this
journey:
Accept
your feelings: Be kind to
yourself and avoid judging yourself for your emotions. Try to pay attention to
what you’re feeling and spend time with people who are positive and uplifting.
Many emotional challenges will lessen or go away as you move through cancer
treatment. Your sense of hope and confidence can increase with time. At First going
for operation was tough and due to 3rd stage it was kind of
difficult for everyone to keep hope but we did not have an option. First time
we got to know or visit the doc was on my Birthday when I took Mom for doc
visit and within 5 days my brother has consulted more than 10 doctors about
this situation.
I might have irritated him much by asking stupid
questions and he has also given some uncomfortable replies at that time as he
was also going through the same emotional process and has different way of
dealing with it. Once you accept your feelings and go through the pain of worst
possibility then you can see the light and can hold the hand of Hope. Hope
would work for you when you are mentally prepared for worst but in your heart
you keep hope alive and each heartbeats says “Everything going to be alright”. In
my best of Judgement (I have poor judgements too with no regrets) accepting
your feelings and thoughts (negative or positive) in these kind of situation
works.
How
to deal with emotions:
It's natural to feel loss after receiving a cancer diagnosis. At first, the
thought of living with cancer and treatment can be overwhelming and my Mom was
no exception. She could have gone to the verge of giving up Hope too, but we
were there for the support. We kept her engage in this journey by making jokes
on the disease or by telling her that we all are there in this. Having support
system is an important part of dealing with emotions. Dealing with your emotions
along with family members is like having cocktail when you do not like to mix
your drink. It hits you hard and in some scenarios you blame yourself of the
things which were beyond your control.
If feelings of sadness and depression grow stronger
with time, for me I have a different type of coping mechanism. Either I find
some anchor who can let me flow with my emotions and work as a support system.
This has really worked for me all the time and last time it worked like a charm
but this time the anchor was gone and I was vulnerable to emotions. Took a leap
of faith and find a way to process my thoughts and emotions but having mood
swings like mine it didn’t work out even if I tried not to ruin it but eventually,
I am a champion in it. When I get no way out I started doing random things like
travelling even if it is not required and taking help of some medicines too. I
stopped writing since then because I didn’t find peace in that too (I am not a
good writer though and it wont change a thing in the world).
My advice these
emotional issues can be damaging so open up with people (might be sound like
preaching but this is the best way to go about it) and you have to find right
kind of people. :P
Deal
with people reactions: For Mom dealing
with the emotions and beliefs of other people about cancer may also be
challenging. For example, those closest to her might worry about losing her. She
was concerned about the changes in her life might affect us. In her own words “Everyone
is around me and not going for work (WFH was blessing in disguise) and kind of
money is getting spend makes me feel sad as I could not do much about it”. I
can understand that It can be hard to deal with the fears of others while you
are facing your own.
Sometimes people are not sure
what to say when they learn you have cancer patient as your Mom. Even as they
try to offer support, some might say or do things that hurt your feelings or
offend you. Some people are uncomfortable thinking about the possibility of
cancer in their own lives. Because of their own fears, they may not know the
best way to help you with your illness.
Then comes second type of People
who can also pass on incorrect information, false beliefs and myths about
cancer. For example, although we don’t yet know what causes most types of
cancers, people might try to tell you a reason for your cancer. They might give
their opinion about the best cure for cancer. It becomes critical when their
ideas and beliefs are different from yours. Whenever I see that happening I
just speak up and let them know that doctors are doing their job and we (me and
that person) are not qualified enough to pass judgement. I can surly say that
people don’t like me.
Fear
of recurrence: Even if Doctors and reports are positive and there are no signs
but the thought of recurrence is always there with her. She might worry that
every ache or pain is a sign of her cancer recurring. Eventually these fears
will fade, though they may never go away completely. I keep on telling her that
you should be honest about your feeling or any issue which you feel and try not
to take guilt about your feeling or ignore them in hopes that they will go away.
In my opinion to fight this syndrome you have to take the control of the fear and see what you can do t influence your health. Try to do the following atleast:
- Go to all your follow up appointments: You may fear the worst when it's time for your next follow-up appointment. Don't let that stop you from going.
- Get all of your follow-up tests. Discuss with your doctor plans for follow-up and monitoring of your cancer. Together, you will formulate a specific follow-up plan based on your specific situation.
- Eat healthy and eat regularly
- Keep busy. Get out of the house and find activities that will take your mind off your fears.
Stress, Depression, Anxiety and Loneliness post treatment: All these are any which ways not good for health and when you are recovering from Cancer these could create issues too. All these are phycological and I will give you my Mom’s example, When she was diagnosed with Cancer and our entire focus was on treatment and timely medicine to make her healthy. She has followed all the instructions and now when she is nearing to complete the treatment (Radio therapy is running), all projects and her work around the house giving her stress because she wanted to complete everything in one go so she can catchup to the pace. When she is not able to do then Lingering feelings of sadness and anger can interfere with her daily life. For many people these feelings will dissipate. But for others, these feelings can develop into depression and anxiety. So we keep on having discussions and plans in order to give her small targets to reach so we both can be happy.
She feels some time as others cant understand that what she has been through, which makes it hard to relate to other people and can lead to loneliness. If she kept on feeling that way then we become unsure as how to help her as no one wants to upset her. We keep on interacting on the issues and medicine and other not much important stuff (about my future and life) with her which keep her busy.
I can keep on going as this phase has taught me a lot and make me a better human being. I got the clarity of mind and my overthinking skill has prepared me for better to worst scenarios. Most of you might find this post boring but this is my way to keep journal and record my emotional encounters. I hope next time I would come up with some interesting topic (suggestions can work).
