Fallen in Love with a Girl wearing Black Saree - A confession

This is the story of how I fell in love with you. It begins, unlike most stories, not when you first said hello to me and decided that you will talk to me, but months after we had become friends and when I got to know about you very closely. As I claim that I consume knowledge and observe people basis behavior and intent then how can I not be fallen for you. I hadn’t meant to fall in love with you. You were the last person on earth that I could ever see myself missing or feeling attached to the core especially given how much I would joke around with you about the things are going in each one of our life. I was going through a rough patch in my life where I was almost lost in dark who was having work as a distraction and just surviving basis some liquids and smokes. I have never thought that I will be in a condition to write this post for you as I always believed that you were out of my league and this won't work. I even cant be an option for you for obvious reasons but as they say Love is Magic and beyond logic. 

Why this post?

If I already have thought about all the circumstances and multiple outcomes of our story where I have convinced myself that it is not the best option for you then why I am writing this post as confession. In recent days I felt vert threatened by the thought that I might loose someone I love the most. I promised that if all went well, then I will put forward a truth which noone knows till date (They might have an idea as I might have given hints) and that can affect me deeply. Now things are going back to normal so I made and amendment in that promise that I will tell this truth via this post as this truth might not be worthy of someone's time.

Why it is Love at First Sight ?

It is because I have never thought about our equation earlier than this day. The day I saw her in Drape in Black Saree and attending the January wedding, I just lost it and for atleast 25 mins (Random Number to attract audience) the only thought was running like a sticker on my mind "Is that you or I am in my dreams?" along with a followup thought "Now I am creating a new Mess". I did all sort of escapism to run away from that feeling and multiple time validated also but it remained the same till now. 

If you only love the way they love, walk, or talk, there are fewer chances that the relationship will be a success. So, make sure you are sure about your feelings before making the first move.I also read lot of books to divert my mind and tried to undo things but you can not just wiped the feelings. There is a science behind this feeling which I read somewhere (if you do not find this consider that writer is me)  Even though some people do not believe in it.  True, deep love may not exist yet when you first meet someone, but you may create the memory of falling love later on in your relationship (think about it). This is my experience about this feeling and I can say that love at first sight can be real for certain people but staying in love is the deeper challenge.

How was she looking?

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk in my garden forever.”

When you like a woman, what do you really like in her? It will be different with different people, and it will be different at different times. If love really grows, first you fall in love with the woman because she is beautiful. That is the first available beauty - her face, her eyes, her proportion, her elegance. When I saw her in Black Saree with golden flowers and pink colour border was just flawless. Forgive me saying this but she was dangerously beautiful because that’s the way I felt at that point of time. Seeing her smile brings me a heavenly peace that can not be described and her Red Lipstick and big pearls earrings making her the most beautiful soul on earth. When I paid more attention, I noticed her scrolled ears and her elegant nose. It was love at first light. Her luminous, heavenly-white teeth flashed as she posed for the selfie. Her hair was a glorious tumble of star beam-gold and her black eyes set my heart on fire. When she broke into a smile, her mesmerizing, oyster-white teeth lit up the room. It could jolt you like an electric current when that megawatt smile gave you her full attention, filed to perfection. It was her look that makes her appear wild and superior.

 

All women and men at that party looking towards her and as she was the point of attraction there. She might have approached by many Guys and may be girls too. I can not comment on that as even I was not there and all this I have felt just by watching a photograph of her on social media. That was the day everything got changed for me.

 

I think I am a man in love. In a world where constant heartbreaks are approaching everyone. We meet at a point where things are not great for anyone of us and I have never tried explaining. I do not want to manipulate a true soul with my selfish intentions as I wanted to feel blessed and privileged. I just wanted to be the person with whom she can share anything without being hesitated.

  

This quote is so so true. The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them. We gasp and ache for air that only comes in short insufficient bursts. 

When this happens, we always question ourselves about why that person came in our life. If he/she would never have entered our life, then we would have never suffered such pain on losing him/her. That person's entry in our life, sometimes, changes us wholly and we do not ever get to be the same again after losing them also. 

By - A Patient's attendant (Room No. 102) 

Happy Birthday to Me - 26 June (Cancerian)

Generally, I’m not that enthusiastic about celebrating my own birthday. It’s not that I hate it, exactly, but I just don’t see the need to make a big fuss about it every year. Every year my friends and colleagues do not forget to make this day special... However this Birthday was not at all memorable that is the reason I wanted to pen it down so I can refer it whenever I feel down in Life. Just highlights only 5 people wished me on this day (cant blame my friends as I have deleted by FB) even if I have very less social circle, Family issues, Doctors visits multiple times & End of the day some drama with someone turned this day as a nightmare to remember...! Another reason to write this post because I have felt that I must have a plan for my Birthdays which I have decided to celebrated alone...!!

Most of all, though, the reason I no longer look forward to my birthdays as much as I once did is that I’m missing a key person to celebrate with me. My Grand Mother passed away in 2020 same date. My birthday just have not been the same since and it turned out to be a nightmare after that it not about the said incident but it reminds me all the negative memories.

Spending your birthday alone might leave you feeling lonely. Birthdays are generally fun when you are a child. As you grow older, birthdays become a trouble for some in that they are a reminder that you are getting older.

On the other hand, if you've never enjoyed birthdays, this day of the year may bring back bad memories. Even if you find yourself alone on your birthday this year, try to make it a special day. If you start planning now, you will find it is not that hard. There are lots of possibilities. This I learnt this year when I felt that we are so much dependent on people and have sky high expectations which are not mutual. So thought to give myself a break as next year might be even tougher when I might not receive 12 AM messages for my birthday. I must be ready with worst case scenarios.

My birthday was Yesterday, and while I normally love planning a solo celebration for myself alongside something more social or with family, all of my go-to options were off the table. I couldn’t take myself to dinner and a movie. I couldn’t do any fancy stuff this time as alcohol was off limits and late night calls when you are high ( I missed this the most). I have never felt the enthusiasm of birthday this year and I always say that next year should be better than this year as “This could be my Low but I could not make this day to my Lowest”. I thought a lot and did loads of overthinking and after watching Netflix series I decided to write this post so I could not forget this day and it would be reminder to me that next year would be awesome (Hope is the key). Here are just a few things I thought of to do when you are alone and feeling lonely on your Birthday or for any Day:

Consider getting away for your birthday: This was the TOP on the list I could do next year or I would plan doing whenever I feel like not doing regular stuff or being bored of being nice. Traveling solo means you wont have to worry about coordinating your schedule with anyone else nor you have to do compromises. So If I want to lay down on beach then I will go instead of going towards hills as it would be my chance to do exactly what I want. No Judgement and Phone would be OFF!

If at all possible, try to make travel plans a few weeks in advance in order to get the best deals. This will include making decisions about transportation, making hotel reservations, and packing for your trip.

Do some pointless online shopping: I know you might be searching for this phrase “treat yourself to something nice” seems too obvious to include but hear me out. Most of the time I always ordering necessities even when I’m not, I’m buying something I’ve been planning on treating myself to for a while or making a weird impulse buy I saw recommended on social media.

So on this birthday I gave myself a budget and decided to just… browse without having any goal in mind. It might feel like the same as wandering the mall looking for something unexpected and special, but it scratched the same itch.

Have a good old fashioned movie marathon: I just love watching movies so I can tell you by my experience nothing is more soothing than binge watching your favorite movies or series. Whether you want to re-watch an old favorite or catch up on that one show you’ve been meaning to watch, spending the day falling in without the pressure of accomplishing anything else is a perfect birthday gift to yourself.

Think about the benefits of getting older : I know this would be hard to understand but trust me it is a best way experience that how good you are becoming by passing each year. Getting older is a privilege denied to many so we should be humble about this and think this as blessing. You may feel good as when you were in college you might not look as dapper as you look right now. You can take your won decisions and can live with the outcome of those decisions too. Go through old Facebook albums or search for your birthdate on your phone’s photo gallery. Hell, maybe even go through old photo albums if you have them to really throw it back.

Appreciate the people who are thinking of you: Letting the people we care about know how much they mean to us has a positive, healing benefit for us and for our loved ones as well. There is nothing like being reminded that a person is constantly in your thoughts, with the reminder expressed in a most sincere way. You should not burn those people who have wishes you on this day and make you feel loved and special. I has to say the following messages to these people who remembered this day:

Do you know I never ever feel bored, never ever feel lonely, because you are always in my thoughts and thank you for all the positive influences you had on my life…!

Have a read-a-thon: Have you ever experienced the day in elementary school or in college library where you do not do anything but read all day. Your favourite book and consider to re create that magic as an adult. Your birthday is the perfect time to sit down with a book you've been dying to read. Start that novel or non-fiction book you have had on your list. Clearing your schedule to lose yourself in a great book or two might be the soothing, off-the-grid birthday you’re looking for. I am reading this book currently – An enquiry concerning Human Understanding.

You can Cook (if you like): There is something soothing about cooking whenever I feel SAD or distant or clouded, I just go to the kitchen and cook my favorite food (which I can cook). Not only does it engage all of your senses, but it’s also very rewarding to make a bunch of ingredients come together to form something delicious you can enjoy. If you’re not the most experienced self proclaimed master chef then go easy on yourself. You can choose a ridiculously easy recipe like Korean Noodles or Maggi (with lot of water). The finished product doesn’t have to be pretty or masterful, but it will be a delicious gift to yourself.

Start Fresh – Look Test: I wont do this ever as it is very difficult to look good when GOD was not being kind on you but you can use this opportunity to start fresh in some area in your life. Go the traditional route and do a makeover on your outside. That might mean a new haircut, new outfit, or even something a little riskier like a tattoo. Choose styles that give you confidence and a new outlook. I am thinking to have a Tattoo which will read “एकोहम द्वितीयोनास्ति”

Unwind and relax before bed. As your solo birthday winds down, find a way to relax and pamper yourself just a bit more. Take a steamy shower or a long soak in the tub. Think about purchasing a super-soft, relaxing, new pair of pajamas as one of your presents to yourself. Always remember you are the Hero in your story.

Eventually when I will be doing these things in my next birthday, one thing I am gonna do for sure i.e. switching off my phone for 72 hours and take a break from universe. As they say if you do not feel important or desirable try ghosting people. 

Happy Birthday to me!

Love is not Enough ?

 "The fact is, love is not enough. All those fairytales, all those stories and movies you've heard and watched growing up, lied to you. Love is never enough because love is irrational." ~Unknown

Afraid to Fall in Love Again - Curious Case

It's not that I don't believe in love... I am very strong believer in it actually... I am just deathly terrified that it doesn't believe in me...!! 

Why do we always desire or have feelings for one when you can be completely indifferent to another person? Why do we fall in love in most uncomfortable scenarios? Why it is difficult to find out the reason for falling in love? Why can we not stop that feeling just by putting some logical reasoning or counter arguments? Why we keep on falling for the same person against every odds? All these questions are remained unanswered for me and I feel scared to fall in Love because it gives you the responsibility of the other person without letting that person know. For me love is responsibility to be happy together and it’s a raw form of the highest emotion which you can not control. Secondly once you are in love there is no Control + Z button to undo it. Lets try to explore the reasons why we are afraid to fall in Love via this post.

Most of the people including me fall in love with someone who unconsciously reminds us that we are home and safe. The same feeling which you have experienced in childhood which is already placed in your subconscious memory. The said resemblance, which can be difficult to see consciously, can be gestural, in relation to opinions or even habits. The resemblance, therefore, plays an undeniable role in the attraction because it awakens a deep and powerful feelings inside you.

In the mind from childhood we see all aspect of the life and find some misplaced parts of the puzzle which we call life and we start searching for those missed parts all the time. For example, if, when you were a child, your parents were keeping you in check and allow you to take decision basis your experience and learning, you will have to unconsciously seek a partner who will fill this gap. So in this case, a person who will not be afraid of putting her opinion forward and express their feelings.

Thus, we unconsciously seek in our partner, to remedy a psychological need, a wound to be healed, a lack to be filled, which according to us, we missed during our life until now. As they say we wander our life looking for our twin who completes us and which on certain points is also different from us. For example, if you are a spontaneous person, you may be looking for a thoughtful and composed partner because you do not have this quality.

I always said and keep on saying, women are mature than man any given point of time if they take a call basis their heart and mind. Men are usually thrilled about falling in love but none of them will admit it. They all, deep inside, crave love and affection like everyone do. But they will not talk about it in open and keep on thinking on imaginary scenarios because rejection rate is very high and everyone is afraid of rejections.

Sometimes, his fear of commitment or his current situation can lead you on a wrong path. You may just give up on him because you think he is not that into you. He is not showing emotions, he is probably even very nervous around you. Trust me it does not mean he does not have feelings for you or he is not into you. It can be the complete opposite. He does have the hots but he is scared to fall in love.

Here is how you’ll definitely know he is just chickening out and needs a little push because he likes you but is afraid to admit it.

#His Mixed Signals (All sort of)

You might go crazy trying to decode his message. This happens when he himself does not know how to act around you that’s why he is acting so weird. One moment he is very much interested in you and the next he is nowhere to be found. He is confused with his stand and is very afraid to act on it. He likes you for some reason but something might be stopping him to act on it. You need to find out that reason.

There could be a chances that he had a broken heart or any unlucky relationship before and he is afraid to repeat that story so he is acting that way where he might be seeking your clarity.

#He is slow

He wants to take things slow and practically keep it light. Well, this means he likes you but (and there is always a but) he is probably not ready to be with you for real. He definitely has some unresolved issues that life has thrown at him and he needs to deal with them. He knows there is no going back from there. What would happen if he gets rejected and that thought would drive him crazy. Since he is still overwhelmed with everything new going on in his life, you, he needs a bit of time to process things and get rid of his fear.

Don’t assume right away that he doesn’t like you if he keeps you at arm’s length and most of the time he does not know what to talk. Leave him alone and go on living your life. If he realizes with time that he has loved you all this time, great, if not, you’ll get by fine without him.

#He is always there

Even if you both are not together, he will always be there for you whenever you need a helping hand. He can be a person to whom you can bring any stuff and he will come along with you as a friend or as a partner in crime. If you are in trouble, he will be there to get you out of it.

Real friends do that but men who secretly love you do that too. He’ll stick around when there is no one else left. That’s how you’ll know he likes you but is scared to fall for you.

#He is a Google Reminder

He will care for all small stuff and remember all important things for you. Even small stuff which no one else will give a damn. When you are sick, he will follow up with you and this shows that he is interested in you, as these small details that no one notices is what separates him from the others.

He is into whatever you are into for sure. Men have this urge to impress women they like even if they are not aware of it. He will listen attentively and probably say that he shares most of your interests even if he doesn’t and in longer run he will learn it for you.

#Gets Jealous all the time

He will never show you exactly what he is jealous about and trust me he will never tell you or talk about it but you will see from the way he behaves. You will notice he will change the subjects or cut your call by telling there is another call if you’re talking about your guy friends, or he’ll get nervous and he won’t be able to control his feelings or reactions.

This is kind of cute and by now you would have known this guy if he is harmless of not. Jealousy can be a bitch and its hard to get rid of it but as a indication you can get that he is afraid of losing you and he likes you but doesn’t know how to deal with it. Most of the time when the guy would know that you are into your other friend then the arm length distance tend to increase.

#Overprotective

When a man in love, Logic disappears. He will do somethings in life which are not really logical for example calling you multiple times to check if you reach home and check on you unless he gets a revert. Sometimes these things get you irritated but you can not change this habit in him.

He will behave the way his heart tells him and not his mind. All rationality will be gone. If he thinks that talking to you is hampering you or he is disturbing you, he might stop talking to you. Trust me a man in love only sees you and fears you might get hurt and wants to be there to protect you.

#Follow you religiously

He will use you as a black board and dump all the information to you and all the incidents which took in the day. He always keep an eye on you, Let’s say you are at the same party and every time you look at him, he is looking right back at you.

Even though a lot of other people are around him and he is actively participating in conversations, he will subconsciously look for you and acknowledge your presence. 

So there is nothing called perfect communication and a Man in love definitely does not have when they are faced with the woman of their dreams. They will do their best to hide their feeling early on and if someone is saying that he is honest upfront on everything he would be lying or he would not talk about the topics where he has to lie.

Taking the representation from all those man I wanted to say that: we hide our feelings because we do not want to get ahead of ourselves and we will want to know if our feelings are reciprocated before we open up.

We might be mysterious and weird but we are definitely not fake…!!