Afraid to Fall in Love Again - Curious Case

It's not that I don't believe in love... I am very strong believer in it actually... I am just deathly terrified that it doesn't believe in me...!! 

Why do we always desire or have feelings for one when you can be completely indifferent to another person? Why do we fall in love in most uncomfortable scenarios? Why it is difficult to find out the reason for falling in love? Why can we not stop that feeling just by putting some logical reasoning or counter arguments? Why we keep on falling for the same person against every odds? All these questions are remained unanswered for me and I feel scared to fall in Love because it gives you the responsibility of the other person without letting that person know. For me love is responsibility to be happy together and it’s a raw form of the highest emotion which you can not control. Secondly once you are in love there is no Control + Z button to undo it. Lets try to explore the reasons why we are afraid to fall in Love via this post.

Most of the people including me fall in love with someone who unconsciously reminds us that we are home and safe. The same feeling which you have experienced in childhood which is already placed in your subconscious memory. The said resemblance, which can be difficult to see consciously, can be gestural, in relation to opinions or even habits. The resemblance, therefore, plays an undeniable role in the attraction because it awakens a deep and powerful feelings inside you.

In the mind from childhood we see all aspect of the life and find some misplaced parts of the puzzle which we call life and we start searching for those missed parts all the time. For example, if, when you were a child, your parents were keeping you in check and allow you to take decision basis your experience and learning, you will have to unconsciously seek a partner who will fill this gap. So in this case, a person who will not be afraid of putting her opinion forward and express their feelings.

Thus, we unconsciously seek in our partner, to remedy a psychological need, a wound to be healed, a lack to be filled, which according to us, we missed during our life until now. As they say we wander our life looking for our twin who completes us and which on certain points is also different from us. For example, if you are a spontaneous person, you may be looking for a thoughtful and composed partner because you do not have this quality.

I always said and keep on saying, women are mature than man any given point of time if they take a call basis their heart and mind. Men are usually thrilled about falling in love but none of them will admit it. They all, deep inside, crave love and affection like everyone do. But they will not talk about it in open and keep on thinking on imaginary scenarios because rejection rate is very high and everyone is afraid of rejections.

Sometimes, his fear of commitment or his current situation can lead you on a wrong path. You may just give up on him because you think he is not that into you. He is not showing emotions, he is probably even very nervous around you. Trust me it does not mean he does not have feelings for you or he is not into you. It can be the complete opposite. He does have the hots but he is scared to fall in love.

Here is how you’ll definitely know he is just chickening out and needs a little push because he likes you but is afraid to admit it.

#His Mixed Signals (All sort of)

You might go crazy trying to decode his message. This happens when he himself does not know how to act around you that’s why he is acting so weird. One moment he is very much interested in you and the next he is nowhere to be found. He is confused with his stand and is very afraid to act on it. He likes you for some reason but something might be stopping him to act on it. You need to find out that reason.

There could be a chances that he had a broken heart or any unlucky relationship before and he is afraid to repeat that story so he is acting that way where he might be seeking your clarity.

#He is slow

He wants to take things slow and practically keep it light. Well, this means he likes you but (and there is always a but) he is probably not ready to be with you for real. He definitely has some unresolved issues that life has thrown at him and he needs to deal with them. He knows there is no going back from there. What would happen if he gets rejected and that thought would drive him crazy. Since he is still overwhelmed with everything new going on in his life, you, he needs a bit of time to process things and get rid of his fear.

Don’t assume right away that he doesn’t like you if he keeps you at arm’s length and most of the time he does not know what to talk. Leave him alone and go on living your life. If he realizes with time that he has loved you all this time, great, if not, you’ll get by fine without him.

#He is always there

Even if you both are not together, he will always be there for you whenever you need a helping hand. He can be a person to whom you can bring any stuff and he will come along with you as a friend or as a partner in crime. If you are in trouble, he will be there to get you out of it.

Real friends do that but men who secretly love you do that too. He’ll stick around when there is no one else left. That’s how you’ll know he likes you but is scared to fall for you.

#He is a Google Reminder

He will care for all small stuff and remember all important things for you. Even small stuff which no one else will give a damn. When you are sick, he will follow up with you and this shows that he is interested in you, as these small details that no one notices is what separates him from the others.

He is into whatever you are into for sure. Men have this urge to impress women they like even if they are not aware of it. He will listen attentively and probably say that he shares most of your interests even if he doesn’t and in longer run he will learn it for you.

#Gets Jealous all the time

He will never show you exactly what he is jealous about and trust me he will never tell you or talk about it but you will see from the way he behaves. You will notice he will change the subjects or cut your call by telling there is another call if you’re talking about your guy friends, or he’ll get nervous and he won’t be able to control his feelings or reactions.

This is kind of cute and by now you would have known this guy if he is harmless of not. Jealousy can be a bitch and its hard to get rid of it but as a indication you can get that he is afraid of losing you and he likes you but doesn’t know how to deal with it. Most of the time when the guy would know that you are into your other friend then the arm length distance tend to increase.

#Overprotective

When a man in love, Logic disappears. He will do somethings in life which are not really logical for example calling you multiple times to check if you reach home and check on you unless he gets a revert. Sometimes these things get you irritated but you can not change this habit in him.

He will behave the way his heart tells him and not his mind. All rationality will be gone. If he thinks that talking to you is hampering you or he is disturbing you, he might stop talking to you. Trust me a man in love only sees you and fears you might get hurt and wants to be there to protect you.

#Follow you religiously

He will use you as a black board and dump all the information to you and all the incidents which took in the day. He always keep an eye on you, Let’s say you are at the same party and every time you look at him, he is looking right back at you.

Even though a lot of other people are around him and he is actively participating in conversations, he will subconsciously look for you and acknowledge your presence. 

So there is nothing called perfect communication and a Man in love definitely does not have when they are faced with the woman of their dreams. They will do their best to hide their feeling early on and if someone is saying that he is honest upfront on everything he would be lying or he would not talk about the topics where he has to lie.

Taking the representation from all those man I wanted to say that: we hide our feelings because we do not want to get ahead of ourselves and we will want to know if our feelings are reciprocated before we open up.

We might be mysterious and weird but we are definitely not fake…!!

Yes... I am a Capricorn Girl / Guy

As they say without observations you are not as human as you should be and somehow, I believed in this. Even I did not care to validate the saying. Most of the time we believe the only concept which is called “theory of convenience”. I have always tried to write about my experience, feelings and people around me so I can create a blog which I could refer when I will be sitting idle alone after 40 years.

There was someone who tend to tell me all the stupid things happening around him/her and I always pretended that I was listening. Few more people around me are Capricorn and keeping all those feelings and knowledge intact, I decided to write this post. One of the Capricorn has asked me recently as what I think about her, This is my reply and I hope it will reached to her via a Cancerian.

Capricorns are born between December 22nd and January 20th and belong to the Earth element of the zodiac. The Earth sign crew are all practical, self reliant, passive and ambitious. You would want them in your corner... but maybe not at a party. When we specifically talk about female Capricorn, the Capricorn women of the world can vary greatly when it comes to their looks, cultures, hobbies, and careers. All these Capricorn zodiac traits are more or less superficial. Although the Capricorn females are often different from each other on the outside, they are alike in the way they think and feel about many topics. This makes them great partners in life, as well as friends or collaborators.

Have you ever wondered what is it that makes Capricorn tick?

#1: Responsible

I have seen them to be accurate at keeping track of important things such as passwords, birthdays and all-important stuff which I considered as not so important (read useless). They own up the mistake and their learning capability allow them to move forward with force and allow them to successfully use these mistakes at the road to glory. They already as hard working and ambitious which makes them highly responsible types with a mature, rational, and disciplined approach to following the rules and pursuing their goals.

#2: REALISTIC (read: pessimistic)

They say they are realistic but I defined them as pessimistic. Their feet are so rooted that sometimes they will only focus on the negatives rather than the possibilities of positives. I am being told that Capricorns are being practical and grounded and want to see all the aspect before taking a decision. According to me being practical and grounded isn't always a good thing, especially when it causes you to focus on all the negatives in life.

When these people think too much about how things look rather than how things feel for them, they get stuck in a cycle of negativity and mood swings which makes other signs very helpless in convincing this zodiac. They want things to be perfect and Perfectionism is a problem for many Capricorns, as it frequently causes them to perceive failure as the ultimate dissatisfaction.

#3: AMBITIOUS (read: workaholic)

They are very obsessed and determined to show other people what they are made of. They are extremely ambitious people with lofty goals they're sure that they can fulfill, as long as they continue to work hard and put in as much effort as possible. They are always striving to do better, better than themselves and better than others⁠—and this force is what ultimately sustains them during those long, exhausting hours they dedicate to whatever it is they're trying to achieve.

I can say with surety if you are looking for someone to partner with on a project, a Capricorn should definitely be one of your top choices!

#4: Hardworking

Capricorns are one of the most serious, diligent signs of the zodiac. They are persistent when it comes to specific tasks, such as work-related projects and school papers, and work hard to ensure they get the result they want (whether that's a promotion or an A+, for example). This trait is by far one of the best things about Capricorns: they never give up!

Being a workaholic puts a ton of stress and pressure on Capricorn and is one way the sign works against its biggest strength. Since Capricorns can be extremely hard on themselves, it's advisable that they take the occasional break to concentrate on their physical and emotional health.

In short, never underestimate the tenacity of a Capricorn, I have never underestimated for sure!

#5: Stubborn

High on ambition and diligence makes this sign stubborn and they believe in holding high standards. As they value tradition and have a very strict way of thinking which makes it difficult for them to have open mind and you will find it almost impossible to change their mind. They're just too focused on the practical and worldly side of things to look beyond themselves.

In my opinion, its their way or the highway, a mentality that makes it understandably difficult for people to get along well with Capricorn.

Capricorns might be overly practical and stubborn at times, but they're also devoted and loyal to those they love. Please find below an overview how these people behave in relationships:

#Capricorn in Love

As we already know that they are a bit stiff and reserved but that does not mean they cant be an ideal partners. Trust me once you get to know a Capricorn on a deeper and more personal level, they will stay committed to you for life. You have to take a chance to get them to open up emotionally and trust me its worth for their loyalty. When it comes to romantic relationships, the Capricorn personality is an unusual combination of intensely devoted but lacking in emotion.

Sometimes I feel that they treat their romantic relationship as their Job in which they put in all the efforts. This practical approach can sometimes make the relationship feel clinical or unnatural but that’s not the case as it is just the way Capricorn best express their feelings.

#Capricorn in Family and Friendship

As this is established that Capricorns are loyal and hardworking which makes them more reliable person and they would be always there for you. As they are one of those who remember all important things hence they tend to feel strong connections to family traditions and their past, and generally look forward to birthdays, holidays, and communal dinners where they can enjoy in their memories with loved ones.

Outside family, Capricorns usually only have a few close friends but are reliable and will remain close to them for life specially with those who get to connect with them intellectually.

#Capricorn in Business

Capricorns do well in almost any type of job, so long as it affords them stability and the opportunity to succeed professionally (read: make a lot of money). If you want to get best out of them you have to make them in-charge of the work environment. As mentioned, this sign is known for pulling all-nighters and working until exhaustion, which can be both a good and a bad thing.

#Yes, I am a Capricorn Girl

Known for her sarcastic personality and dry sense of humor, a usually quiet Cap may surprise you with her loud belly laugh when something amuses her. Often described as conventional and traditional, many Capricorns are the secret weirdos of the Zodiac. She is Not one to wear their hearts on their sleeves, they may not give you any idea how they really feel. Learning to communicate clearly in the moment is always a boon to this stable and grounded earth sign, as she can often get stuck in her own ways. She always want to labelled everything in her world and find it difficult to shift from Plan A to plan B even if Plan B is awesome. Serious, focused, and hard-working, it’s great when a Capricorn can let loose a bit and find time to have fun, even though even her outings and vacations are carefully planned ahead of time.

At the end a Cap can be a role model for 21^st century people, some time their appearances are deceiving as few of them can keep up  appearances by putting smile their face and sounding happy even when they're battling demons, depressed, and finding little joy in their accomplishments or in their day-to-day life.

This post will become the longest and most of the time you may also loose the interest. Those of us that a born under the this zodiac sign are often the hardest workers of the zodiac and love nothing more than getting ahead in life. They are ambitious, determined, materialistic and strong.

No wonder they are always ahead of the curve! Don't you think they're just great?

Is it a Right Relationship?

We often will meet people with suggestions about any relationships and they will keep telling you about red flags (in Risk Management we have red flags) of any relationship. These comments and suggestions keep us on the toes without letting us know and we close ourselves from some promising experiences. We always judge people and look for behaviors to know that the person is not right for us. I have seen multiple times that we force ourselves out from a relationship just because we think that we are not good enough for any relationship. 

Knowing me you can say, its easier said than done but trust me basis my experience and learning, I can provide you a platform you think positively in a relationship (Even if I am not able to do that sometimes).

Ask yourself “Am I in a good relationship?” or “Is this relationship is good for me?”

Our relationships are not only influenced by our current actions but also by our past relationships and the life experiences that we bring forward into the current relationship. How we deal with confusions and misunderstandings defines the strength and wellbeing of our relationship and the level of happiness we are able to experience.

Much of the subconscious encoding that takes place throughout our life causes us to sabotage our happiness by preventing us from engaging effectively, especially when we become emotionally triggered. These unconscious “scripts” make you run in autopilot where your thoughts and words remain the same as your previous experience. Sometimes people call them as “baggage”. We should rewrite those scripts and must not allow then to contaminate the current relationship.

In my personal experience, I have been influenced with negative thoughts for a longest time where I was confused about my relationship earlier. Once that got the clarity then again some other issues pop up which are not allowing me to move and they want me to stand still. I am complying on those things and distancing myself from people so they could not get affected cause of me. This decision I have taken from my past experience and I do not know if that is right or wrong unless someone prove that to me. 

In same way instead of looking for every little thing that might be wrong with the person you’re with, look for whether they are fulfilling some of the affirmative needs you have. You must focus on the positives then the negatives. How can you evaluate if your relationship is a good one, here are positive traits you should look for:

You feel like you can be yourself

This is the most important point to see for compatibility. You can be yourself means; you should not feel that you are constantly putting on a mask to impress your partner all the time. If you must put a lot of efforts to be that person who you are not, there is no way to build an honest relationship. Its natural to be little guarded in the early days of relationship but you should reach out to that phase where you can feel totally comfortable. You should not think twice before cracking your lame jokes or discussing the topics which make you uncomfortable. Around with your partner you should feel complete.

You can define boundaries

In childhood we learnt that honesty is the best policy. In your relationship that means what you need and what you want from that relationship. It’s a theme of any relationship that works. I know sometimes it will be hard and other person may get hurt, but doing that in the relationship is the only way to ensure sustainability.

If you genuinely feel comfortable telling your partner when you want to be alone or when you need your space with your other priority tasks, then trust me it is a great sign in your relationship and this also means your partner respect those communication from you.

You share good laugh

This does not mean you have to be a comedian, but it means having good sense of humor. Someone has told me once that without sense of humor life can run but with Sarcasm its not possible. I have handled that line with a joke. 

It means when you are with each other you have your jokes and incidents where you both share a good laugh. I am sure all the time you cant be romantic or serious. Take my advice, laughing will strengthen your bond.

Emotional Empowerment not support

It’s a great sign of good relationship when partners are focused on what they want to create and how they want to feel. Most of the time its too easy to blame your partner when you are not feeling good about ourselves or sometime life seems to throw some tough challenges continually. 

As they say and I totally aligned my self with the thought, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” That is the reason most of the time I keep things with me when I don’t know how other person gonna react or if they will get the intent behind my message. So by trying to override your emotions and referring to past situations, you may blow a current situation entirely out of context. If you do that frequently, it makes you feel disconnect. I have felt this multiple times.

Your past relationship scripts comes in picture where you start thinking what you do not want in your relationship. Many couples start competing against each other when they emotionally triggered instead of supporting to create best outcome. We can quickly become obsessed with being right but it is essential to stay present.

Serious Talks

If you are shying away from the stuff which are tough to talk about with your partner then you are not ready for the relationship sustainability or you are afraid of being judged. It should not be the case as when you need some serious or rocky stuff to talk you need someone who can make these conversations smooth sailing. I have been that person 5 times in my life when I played a third person who talks about tough reality of life with my couple friends. One day drink expenses you are sorted to get the services. 

An honest relationship isn’t afraid to touch on subjects that make you uncomfortable. Try to be attentive and see how you both are able to engage with more serious questions together. Like what is our future in next 5 Years? (Joking, even I can not answer this, I am bad at planning, hence need someone who can do the favor as I am good at following instructions) Choose your questions wisely and even if it gets rocky, a strong relationship will work through it and make it productive.

Be Vulnerable

We all want to look tough and strong in a relationship but remember point no. 1 which says being you around your partner. It means you can also have your scars or bad past or your feelings of insecurity (I always feel insecure when I give space to any person, Don’t have SRK confidence) which you experience, it is very tough to talk about all those things. It breaks the image of yourself which you have created as “Mard ko Dard Nahi Hota” but “hota hai” when a person know where to hit.

When you find someone that can help you work through those feelings without judgment, it’s really special and you can talk about anything. Your partner would accept you as a whole where you have your short comings and strong points both.

You don’t need each other

By the heading, you already have decided this is the stupid point but trust me this judgement is passed by your insecurities not your emotions and soul. As they say “No sustainable relationship is built on necessity.”

We should be loving people we want to be with forever without guilt, not people who are convenient. Sometimes the path might look shaky and not clear but the faith between relationship turn that road to a life time experience (At least you would have a story to tell your grand children)

If your partner is self sufficient then it is ensured in a relationship that both are equal and no one is caretaker. We all like feeling needed, but a relationship that lets us feel free is more important in the long run. Let them feel free, your bonding and trust wont let that person to go anywhere.

They are your cheerleader

This point came in the mind at the time of watching cricket match, Role of cheerleader is to celebrate and encourage the team member when that person is performing well. In same manner you want someone in your life who is interested in what you are passionate about and will be your biggest cheerleader in reaching your goal.

Remember this, when you’re more excited to share your successes with your partner than anyone else, that’s an environment where love can bloom.

Not every relationship is perfect, but you can still find happiness and love. I am a flag bearer of Failed relationships and trust me its not a one sided game where knowing all the points will help you. A successful relationship wants two people who are equal and are ready to invest trust, support and time with each other (not saying love) to create a environment where love can bloom. 

If you find someone that meets the most essential criteria, you can start your work from there and remember me when you need to have some tough conversation and you need a person to mediate. Every relationship is going to have pain points and weaknesses. It’s not easy to make two characters work seamlessly together, but that’s not what relationships are about.

You will know when you will be in strong and healthy relationship because you would feel happy within yourself and in your circle and you would not be spending your time in overthinking. It feels great guaranteeing that you are emotionally aligned with yourself and aware of your partner’s needs will go a long way to promise the health and permanency of your relationship.

A Story About Love - Everything I Know

I have been quite distracted, puzzled and indecisive for couple of months, or I can say for more than a year. Past months I have been feeling sick (No Corona) and Mentally exhausted as I am not able to think through it. I am dealing with most stressful days in my life which I can not discuss because even I do not know how my life going to turn out to be? Will I get what I want, or I will continue run for a reality which I am not sure if exists. Knowing myself this is the second time I am in this situation where my feelings are totally concentrated towards something / someone and my life is going south in the drain. Both ways I cannot do much about it. Only time can solve this problem and something tells me, I might be running out of time. Not dying for sure but given the circumstances I can be sure the pain would be some next level which I have felt long ago when I was not the person I am today.

As I am known to be the most inexpressive person who does not know how to console, how to give hope or how to talk to people who are not in good health and how to give sympathy. So I came back to the medium which gives me right to be me and allow me to write and feel whatever I can not do in real world. I think everyone loves a good love story. Even in my childhood after watching Veer Zara and other SRK movies I used to think how God would write my story. How I am going to meet someone special and how I am gonna feel when she will say Hello to me. But it seems God was as much disinterested in me as I was in him. Before I move forward, Let me set the context first, I was atheist (WAS) and didn’t believe in the concept that someone else is controlling my life. So I will divide this story of “Kiyaan” in three parts and it is a fictional story (No No.. its not) so do not relate with yourself (Please do).

Opposite poles attract each other’s… Remember ?? Yeah law of magnatism or attraction.

When you found someone who is totally opposite to you and you tag that person as IDIOT but when communication takes place (Mutually or forcefully) then you started liking her thoughts, I mean opposite way of thinking… Then My friend you are screwed, and you need some serious soul searching. Keeping the interest for the story in mind we will cover the story in 3 parts:

• Law of Attraction
• Law of Society
• Law of Love
• End of the Story (Will write on my 60^th Birthday – Hope will find perfect ending)

Before you think I am a great writer, I want to warn you it might take a lot of courage and will power to read this. So you need some patience to get to the story and with emotional attachment you will break the boundaries of English grammar.

Let me start, First of all its not a Love a story, it’s a story about love whatever Kiyaan had experienced till now and how his judgements had taken the sharp turns in his life which have affected so many people willingly or unwillingly. It’s a lovely experience of Kiyaan and his experience of love to find out what is Love. A Boy from middle class family, the section of society who dreams to change the reality of life without knowing that its not as easy as he thinks because society will pull them down with lot of unwritten rules and regulation which is being running for more than 100 years. He is one of those privileged people who got the support of the parents to dream. When Parents give you unconditional support (at that time it will feel like) which will come with a condition that you have to honour their wishes too. They won’t say this to you directly as they want to see you “Happy”. Some time I wander what is the definition of Happiness, who will decide that I am happy or Sad or indifferent. 

Kiyaan was not a scholar but was a dreamer who was having the best days of life on his father’s expense and he was fine with it. In college and post college Kiyaan had dated a few girls, but he never had that "I want to spend my life with this person" feeling. Girls were either intelligent or they had great eyes and feet the only criteria he followed. In all those the chemistry was nonexistent and there was always a doubt that he was wasting the life of the other person as she is dependent on him and he cant commit anything. Few relationships outcomes reached out to home in form of chocolates, cards and even my favourite Gajar ka Halwa.

His definition of love was simple and he was looking forward for a girl who can have the following:

His definition of love was simple and he was looking forward for a girl who can have the following:

• Both of them should not be bored of each other as they have to spend 60 years together.
• That girl should have good sense of humor and sarcasm so both can have wittiest fun together.
• The girl should be caring and smart who can keep him on his toes without letting him know.
• She should love him as a complete man as he had some shortcomings.
• He should be ready to change / adjust himself for that girl and there would be no discussion about past as they have to spent future together.
• Lastly, she should be able to win over Mom (Mom has so many restrictions there)
• She should have good taste in food and should be able to order food for him as he was always confused as what to eat.

In short he was searching for a person with whom he can be himself without being judged. Love is all about two souls who come together for a common life goals and they inspire each other. Once you meet that person, the only serial should be running is “Just Mohabbat”. This was a dream sequence for his love of life. Needless to say, he was afraid of giving commitment and always believes in running away when things get serious. He always put other person happiness as priority and in Love its about putting that person as first priority. 

Nothing has happened which can give butterflies till the graduation and multiple heart break were reconciled with Atif Aslam songs. Then suddenly an idea struck and he started preparing for MBA which can give him 2 years away from the Hometown, Comicpur. Once he is committed, no one can stop him apart from his own laziness. His CAT application got rejected because he forgot to put the payment slip in envelope (he was in doubt as he did not put it but he was not bothered to check it). However, he managed to get some 90+ percentile in MAT and SNAP. Finally college was selected basis highest placement bracket (haven’t heard about marketing too at that point of time). It was Pune and he was ready to waste another two years with fun. Kiyaan is all ready for 2^nd inning in search of Love.

TBC...

Revisiting the Memory Lane - 3201

Here I am with one of the most important topics to cover. Its about the best days of my Life when I lived for me not for anyone else and I did not care about being vulnerable or showing up the weakness. You might be wondering as how these can be defined as best days. So answer to your question, as they say that best days for any human being is when he/she learnt new ways or they discover themselves or they Live the life fullest. If I look at myself 8 years ago, I was the one who used to define terms of my life and who was not afraid of anything and was always ready for consequences of his own actions. As life is all about facing changes and adopt it and I was no exception.

When my friends got to know about this Blog then they have forced me to write something about the days which we spent together in Gurgaon at my flat 3201. It was a open BAR for all my friends (I have very few friends) and I am not going to name these people as most of these are the best kids at their home. This all got started at 18^th October 2019 or later in October when some chain of events forced me to rethink about all the current arrangements in life (I am not gonna talk about it). I needed a distraction and Anchor who can hold me there for sometime so I can figure out most of the things on my own either by overthinking or logically. These are the folks I relied on and I trusted my Life with them. Like everyone else in this world, I hate being vulnerable but the comfort some of them have provided me was unmatchable. One of them believes that our connection is because of selfishness of both the parties and that was true in the beginning (Cant write much).

I am listing down the last few days of my life which I spent in Gurgaon in 3201.

12^th March: It was a sudden when I got to know that WFH was started in the company and this should be followed religiously. I was suppose to be relieved on 16^th as it was my last day as per my plan but as always my plans never worked out the way I want them. I have MN to help me relieved this day only as I do not want to start this setup for two days and surprisingly KP also joined the forces. I must say I was more concerned about the product review on Monday which was kind of nightmare for me. So finally it was decided that today is my last day and I was not able to react to this. I was forced by someone to meet the founders and I did as I was told and later in the evening entire team was ready for in house party at 3201. Planning was done and we were sitting at my place with all sort of arrangements which was enough to make us high. I still remember the game where the movie name suppose to be guessed and I have given “Langda daude Gali Gali” which is not qualified as a movie but everything is fair in competition. Then we have discussed what I feel about all the people available in group that day, apart from one person all my opinion was true and for that person I was honest only 40% as my honesty would not have served the higher purpose so I choose to hide few facts. That day I felt very humble as so many people said good things about me and I felt the same way for them. When this party got over and it was time to say good bye to each and everyone of them. It was done in most decent manner as I was too high to comment on this now. I decided that I will make the best use of the rest of the days so instead of planning for entire days, I started one day at a time so I have 13^th (Friday), 16^th (Monday), 17^th (Tuesday) and 18^th (Wednesday) so we planned for 13^th March.

13^th March: Following the philosophy one day at a time, I was all set for the day where we were suppose to meet on breakfast followed by movie and post that plan was yet to be created. I have reached to the decided place where someone was connected to the internet and taking business call so I concentrated on ordering breakfast and once everyone was there we moved to movie and at that time we didn’t know that it was Irfan Khan’s last performance which we were watching. This day I got a chance to choose my farewell gift (watch) so we have visited few places and finalized it. There are very limited colors in my life so I get settled with Black. We have ordered food and carry it to my place 3201 where we did lot of Bakar and had few beers. The time has come to call it a day and trust me it was the most amazing day where no stress on work and anything, I was happy being me and living the moment. In evening (later) BV came from Delhi to have an extended party where I was already down with couple of beers. So me, VT and BV started with the session and it was one of those sessions which you can not forget where your friends push you to accept something which they think you are denying and they give you reality check. We were high like anything, even today when I see those pics I could not stop my laugh. We were given dare where I have to call my one of my contacts and other have to send random Insta requests which later I got to know that VT got lucky and task was done. We were making notes so we can discuss tomorrow. It was hell of a ride as I have revisited all those memories which we have created in 6 years and counting it on for more years.

16^th March: Day has started, and I was officially jobless as my last was 13^th March in office and as decided we (KP and me) have to give a farewell lunch to the team. We reached to the venue and we were waiting for the team members to join. As I said my planning never go as expected so due to Covid only few of them make to the lunch and I was kind of sad initially but it turned out to be the best day as we had lot of fun. One thing I could say that I have earned some place in these people life who turned out to the venue and for those who called me to tell that they won’t make it. The lunch got over and we decided to do after lunch catchup in one of the open restaurants as it was few of the last days I had at my end to be with them. Trust me I felt like I was in some sort of movie and my life is about to end so I wanted to maximize the exposure. This was the day I got to know if you order coffee you have to say extra hot else they will give you coffee on some random temperature. I am quick learner that way. I got two very thoughtful gifts one was watch which was my favorite and second one was Poker set as someone thought I am a gambler which some how I did not deny. It was a day well spent and I asked someone that I want to meet tomorrow and my request was honored. I came to 3201 and VT and RR was there with Beers and food as my entire home was shifted to Bangalore on 15^th and I was left with one mattress and bedsheet. These guys always make me feel important and sometimes I feel I am not worthy enough for their compliments as it increased my responsibility and attachments towards them and I hate attachments. This day passed and I was thinking what I would do when I wont be around with them, I have never felt the same whenever I left something behind in order to move forward. Some drunk and high calls done today too as when I cant sleep I think.

17^th March: Yesterday was my farewell lunch and courtesy Covid very few of people turnout to appear and I was glad those people are there who mattered me the most. I keep on asking what is the plan and I got one, we were meeting again today. I was excited like a kid who got his way to full fill his wish to get his favorite toy or icecream. We meet again and this day was very special as I got to know about the person very thoroughly and I realized that the connection between us was beyond comprehension and as this person (he/she) was the most beautiful soul I have ever come across. I was so involved in knowing the story it seems some was walking me through my own life's decision. This was the day I fall for the idea of being with that person. I am known to be a person who can hide emotions and show absolute detachment, I was trying very hard to keep up the reputation. These 4 hours I can trade with anything in my life and that day we did not click pictures and I was containing and creating as much memories as I can. My other gang was waiting for me at a Bar where I reached around 2030 hours lost in thoughts if I can stop the time at that point and keep listening those words which were giving me validation that my profiling was not wrong and that person is the one. Do not have liberty to write more so moving on to the party which was already started as I have already delayed. We were having the drinks and MR. RR, VT and BV were crazy which I have not seen them earlier. I have to make a promise to them that we will be in touch and trust me it is a bigger commitment which I have given my office mates in last 10 years. I do not want to be in touch because emotions were not good for my health as a overthinker and emotional person. We finished two bottles that day and was singing songs out loud. Still remember RR dance moves and VT’s drunken moves.

18^th March: This was the D day when I have to leave from Gurgaon permanently with some promises to my closed people that I would bring them to the place where I was going and I still trying. The day started with an Hangover as some stuff was there which has to be finished before I move out from Gurgaon and that was last stock. I was so Sad and confused and was not able to determine my mood as this was a new feeling after the long time where moving away from few people was very difficult. I hate to admit since 28th Jan till this date I regret my decision to move on but me being me I have to test out something and I have to be sure about my feelings and surroundings. Mr. VT has went to office and he suppose to come in the evening when I have to leave and Mr. RR was busy with his own shit as he was already happy being secret Santa. I waited till I received a call to reach out some place where we all three can meet and courtesy Covid few places were open so we met at one of the open property in Gurgaon where we had lots of discussion related to office stuff and most avoidable question of my Life as what I am gonna do when I am away from the people I cared and loved. Later in the afternoon we moved out to the place where I have last drinks of the day in Gurgaon with one of my favorite people. This still feels fresh when I suppose to enjoy the moment but the only thing I could think at that point of time that I wont be able to see them ever (Given my destiny’s past track record). I was in a dilemma what should I say and how should I say that these 5 months were the best part of my life but the current circumstances did allow me to confess. Then I got dropped of at my place and that 5 last minutes still make me feel sad and I can trade anything to keep that moment freeze. On a lighter note I still have the video of breathless song which was performed in the car. Crazy memories… I reached to 3201 and my gang was waiting for me with more alcohol as if they wont get a chance to meet me again. I gave courage to them rather I would say to myself that we will meet again and I left for Railway station. When I was in Cab through out the journey till I reach my home town I was not able to sleep each and every small things which we spoke argued were fresh in my memory and those are still intact. Those chats are precious to me and give me strength and tell me that I am human too who just got stuck in wrong time.

Today, 18^th March 2021, when I look back and recall these memories then I think that those days couldn't be better than they already are. It seems as If these happened yesterday. I am a prisoner to these memories where I play victim, judge and lawyer to defend my judgements and till now I am not sure if I could have handled it in better manner or My judgement was right to move away from the people I cared. Writing these memories are my attempt to over come my most felt fear where I see myself loosing my memory or blocking my memories. This is my attempt to bring back good times which we spent alongside and these I would want to take it to my grave. Whatever I felt was real and even if I try to hide it from the world but I have to be honest to myself.